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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Phases, stages, and other nasty things.

I am a really terrible liar. You'd think after all my teen years of practice I'd have it down by now, but instead I have only gotten worse. It's my face, it only knows how to portray exactly how I am feeling. Maybe this is good, seeing as it makes it very difficult to fib to my loved ones, but sometimes I really wish I could hide how I am feeling. I wish I could smile with my eyes and my mouth when greeting someone I don't particularly like, or when trying to be in a good mood while in a room full of people I don't want to be vulnerable with. Instead my lips spread, but my cheeks get tight and my eyes stare cold. Face do what I tell you! I scream internally, but my face doesn't listen. She just does what she wants, telling the truth for all to see. Stupid face.

So my "Yay! Life is so awesome and I'm all happy and content!" phase seems to be moving on. I know I'll see it again, and hopefully soon, but for now it has waved its pretty palm and left me to struggle with "Dude, life is hard. I don't like hard." phase instead. Stupid phases. I take back any judgmental comment I have ever made of women who have said something like, "I need a break! Get me away from my kids! They're driving me crazy!!" How mean. I thought. I'd never say something like that about my kids. I understood the women needed breaks, but why did they have to say it so harshly? Poor kids. HA! I now understand completely how you can say something like that (or worse) and still love your children with all of your heart. It's just, they are kids. And let's be honest, no matter how precious, adorable, sweet, loving, fun, and absolutely wonderful your children may be, they are kids. Kids can be really annoying. Especially when they start talking. And then don't stop talking. And everything comes out with that nails-on-the-chalk-board whine. And then the repetition... *Shudder* It makes the thought of living in a very secluded and padded room sound really appealing. Which is probably good since at this rate I am definitely headed to the crazy house. Ah silence, sweet silence! Plus you could sleep anytime, anywhere (in fact, I'm pretty sure they even give you drugs for that)!

Through this time of constant toddler break downs, whining, and complete refusal to listen to anything I say, one thing keeps confirming itself over and over. Being a mom is hard. Even when it's "easy", it's hard. Really, really hard. Whether you are blessed with a baby that sleeps, or a baby with colic, a toddler who listens most of the time, or almost never-- it's hard! Don't ever let yourself think, "This isn't so bad, what is everyone complaining about?" Because that's when it's coming right around the corner, just waiting to slap you in the face and make you question everything about yourself. That's the thing about parenthood, nothing stays the same. New phases, stages, and habits, requiring new routines and strategies. You find yourself thinking, I need a day off... No, a week... No, a month... Maybe after a year I'd feel rested? Yet deep down, beneath the unkempt hair, baby spit-up covered clothes, and always tired eyes, you know that even if you only had a couple hours, you'd still find yourself missing them. See what I'm saying? Crazy.


Caitlin said...

That padded room sounds pretty appealing to me and I don't have kids yet. Oh geez...

Vanessa Washburn said...

Never has a padded room sounded so appealing. Do you think they're cheaper than a hotel?
Also I am the same way about not being able to hide my true feelings. I know it can be a blessing, but sometimes it's really a pain... "Thanks for the dress you got Haley mom, yes I think the puke color and awesome 80s print will look great on her"

Faith said...

Haha! Thanks for that Vanessa. :) And Caitlin you make a good point, I think I've always been a little crazy!