About Me

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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Holding On. Letting Go.

I have a tendency to want to do EVERYTHING! It doesn't seem to matter how many times I fall on my face and learn that I am not capable of even the smallest accomplishments without my God guiding and carrying me. I still get this idea that I can and should do everything. I constantly need reminders that I am not the answer to the world's problems. Narcissistic-selflessness can be a crippling disease. As God leads me forward step by step, I am thankful he blessed me with a husband who helps steer me back to truth when I start swimming too deep and welcoming the world to use me as a life boat.
I am so excited to be starting school again soon. Like I have said before, I don't know how it's all going to pan out, I just know this next step is right, so I am taking it. However, in doing so I am realizing there are things I will have to let go of and I will not be able to commit to all the things I'd like to right now. This has been hard for me to accept, but each time I come before God with this burden, I feel him speak freedom over me. I think I'm slowly getting it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Faithy's back. Back again.

"I can understand her not coming Monday, but if she doesn't come today I am totally kicking her ass..."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."

I am sitting in the Student Center waiting to register for a class, reading a book, drinking coffee, and lightly listening to the conversations around me. There are several tables full of students. Most watching movies, playing video games, and facebooking. The conversation above has gone on for some time, but the young man pestering the girl about her sincerity on kicking her classmate's ass has finally regressed, leaving my ears to focus on a conversation at another table. At first I think they are discussing past wars for a history class and after the previous conversation, I am impressed with both their abundant knowledge on the topic and their genuine interest. And then...
"Is my dad still dead?"
"Yes, your dad is still dead. But you have a new troop, a camp to build--it's like a whole new game!"
"Woa, that's awesome..."
I try to follow this conversation, but I get lost quickly.

"No you're not." 
The young man at the previous table has begun his taunting once again. He thinks he's quite funny.

Oh, what's that? I don't recognize the song at first because it's being blared on tiny computer speakers, but then a student starts singing along. And then another. "Power raaangers!" Oh, of course. They are singing the power ranger's theme song. This is completely normal.

Ah yes, to be in college.

The strangest part about being in college again is that my identity is completely different without my kids in tow. I know I look young, but I am still surprised at how young people think I am. Conversations like the following throw me off:

Me: "Oh yeah, I took that class a couple years ago."
Person who thinks I am 12: "Really, you took that in high school?"
Me (confused): "No, just 2 years ago."
Person who thinks I am 12 (also confused): "Ok..."
Me (finally understanding why they are confused): "I'm 25..."
Person who may still think I am 12: "Ooooh...."

You should see their faces when they find out I'm married with two kids. It's a little entertaining.

So yes, here I am. Back in school. Registered. Ready. Here I go!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Jumping back on that horse.

After much debating, agonizing, over-thinking, attempts to ignore, and procrastination, the decision has been made: back to school I go!

The back story:

I have spent the last few years knowing God has called me to pursue a nursing degree and worrying about the "when." I went back to school in '10, finished most of my pre-reqs then took a break again after Gabriel. Going back to school was one of the most invigorating, exciting, and exhausting experiences of my adult life. There is such a difference when you're an adult, know what you want, and realize what a privilege education is. It also made me really anxious. Not so much being in school, but the decision to go to school. I carried a lot of mom-guilt and worried endlessly if it was the "right time" (not so sure if that exists, and if it does, what it looks like). I'm a big "signs" person, I am always looking for signs to show me whether what I am doing is right or not. The tricky thing about signs is, you have to decide how you're going to interpret. For example, if something is difficult, does that mean it's not meant to be? Or that it's that much more worth it? I have often been torn between the two. When I finally made the decision to go back to school in '10 a lot went wrong. Silly little things I messed up on that would prevent me from signing up for time-sensitive classes. Somehow it all worked out. It was obvious God was at work. I took these all as good signs. Funny thing was, I had to take that initial step of faith before these signs (provisions) came to be.

The last couple months I found myself back at square one. Waiting for signs, worried to take that initial step. After years of anxiety I prayed this prayer: God, you put this on my heart. If it's not the right time then please just shut all doors. If you want me to continue pursuing this, PLEASE take away my anxiety! My prayer was simple and desperate. I went on with my days not expecting a clear cut answer, but hoping just the same. About 3 days later, school came up. I had a conversation with a friend, and afterwards continued to think on it. Suddenly I realized... wait, where is that feeling? The weight was gone. My anxiety no where to be found. It's been two months and I have yet to feel the anxiety that had been there for the last 3 years. Needless to say, I took it as a good sign.

Despite my lack of anxiety, I have not had the motivation I thought I would have the last couple of months. I have been busy, but also enjoying the warm weather, and wondering if I really want to get busier. I'm finally comfortable with the way things are, do I want them to change? Just as I was thinking I would put school off for another year, all these "signs" started pointing toward it again. It's pretty intimidating, there are a lot of holes to fill and no way of knowing how it's all going to work out. As hard as it is to explain, when you know, you know, and for the first time (in maybe forever) I feel completely confident that God is telling me to take the next step.

So here I am again. FAFSA, registration, classes, and all the little things that have to work out for those things to happen. Wish me luck!