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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Living. Loving.

I decided long ago that I did not want any biological daughters because I was afraid they would be just like me. I was kind of a terror-child. My siblings used to joke that I was demon-possessed. Sometimes I think they really believed I was. Sometimes I believed I was. Anyway, my plan had some holes. Apparently my genes can pass on to my boys as well. I guess I should have seen that coming. I knew there would be pay back one day.

It's been a really tough few weeks with Aiden. Feels like months. A lot of meltdowns, tantrums, and not a lot of sleep. Between that and fighting with my own crap and doubts and the cold, I'm officially worn out. However, for those of you who've asked, Aiden had a much better time at soccer this last weekend. And though it's true, he was the only kid who threw a fit and refused to join the team picture, after several efforts to keep his fingers out of his nose, he did get a couple really cute individual pictures. He even kicked the ball a few times. And hey it turns out when he actually kicks the ball, instead of tackling it or running in the opposite direction, he's got pretty good aim.

The older Aiden gets, the more he reminds me of me in so many ways. Of course he has mostly his own unique characteristics and personality, but I see me in there. Sometimes this is cool. It's edifying. I think, How cool that maybe I wasn't an all bad kid, because this kid is awesome and he reminds me of me. Other times it's kind of scary and I wonder what I got myself into.

Sometimes when it's been a really long day, and he's yelling no at me instead of obeying and all I want to do is yell back, I instead slump down in surrender and open my arms. So far, this never fails. He always comes running. He has yet to say no to being held in my arms. And never when I say "I love you" does he not immediately respond with "I love you, mommy." This makes the long days a little shorter. It makes the times when I think that if quitting were an option I might consider it, vanish instantly.

The funny thing is, even 6 months ago, I could not have imagined ever thinking some of the things I now think a lot more often than I'd like to admit. I couldn't imagine saying, "He's driving me crazy! Get me out of here!" Or saying no when he asked for me at bed time.

It's kind of like marriage. The first couple of years, even when things are bad, you know beyond a doubt that you are blessed to have that person in your life, and that thought surpasses all others. You have no idea that things can get so much worse before they get better. Then one day you wake up and you see your spouse for who they really are. Someone imperfect and sometimes down right infuriating. You can admit their faults without guilt. You can do all that and still fall in to their arms and know you want to be with them forever. That their faults are not deal breakers. Because though they see yours too, their arms are still open wide for you. That's how I know I can keep going no matter how hard this may get.

By the way, I know I have a flair for the dramatic, but if you could have seen my last few weeks, you would understand completely! I don't think it's so much Aiden's behavior as much as how different he is than he has ever been. It's hard to get used to, and I can't help but hope it's only temporary.

1 comment:

Breka said...

I'm sorry things have been rough, Faith - I hope things change and adjust soon. (Also, I don't think of you as the dramatic sort. You're too level headed and always seem to be able to offer a positive or uplifting thought.)