Growing up as child number 6 out of 8 in a poor missionary family, not a day went by that I was not reminded that I was blessed, that I had much to be grateful for, that most people in the world did not have the provisions I had. I knew it was true, a lot of those people lived right around me. I am thankful for this in that I did not grow up feeling entitled. I didn't gripe and complain that my parents didn't buy me a car or pay my cell phone bill. I learned to work for what I wanted. But for some reason that thankfulness I was supposed to feel, just felt like guilt. Why did I have so much that others did not? And if I had more than so many, why did I want more? To this day I can not even buy a pair of socks or my weekly groceries without feeling guilty. Now I am not blaming my parents for this. Not all my siblings feel this way, but for some reason my mind has interpreted the want of anything into being something bad. Even blessings.
I know it isn't of God, and yet I can't seem to control my natural tendency to feel guilty. When I was young I thought that because I so badly did not want to be a missionary, God would certainly call me. Then I got older and wanted to serve God as an international missionary so badly, I thought surely he would call me to stay in America. I don't want to live in this house, so He will probably make me stay here. I don't want a big family, so He will probably give me 10 kids. I want to be a nurse, so He will probably call me to be something else. You see how messed up all that sounds? And yet no matter how many times I remind myself, that is NOT God! I can't help but believe it is.
Today I was listening to a sermon about the nature of God. The pastor said that God loves to bless His children, even though we don't deserve it. That it is literally God's nature to take pleasure in blessing His children. Why can't I believe that?? Why can I not trust that He placed the desires of my heart? That just because I may want something does not mean it will never be or that it is wrong? I beg God to change this in me. To teach me to accept His goodness. Yet so many times I am answered by this tiny voice that says I will never change.