It is 4 a.m. and I can not sleep. My heart aches. It aches for the women and children around the world. For the women and children right here around me. For me and my children.
I have been thinking a lot about my hopes and dreams lately. I've been a little out of it. Lazy. Depressed. Neglectful. A little frustrated that things don't work out as quickly and smoothly as I would like. I let it effect my relationship with God. With my husband. My children. I get disappointed that I can't do all that I want to do. I get so caught up in it that I miss out on moments right here and now.
I'm done with that.
I know I will have my moments, but I have made a decision. God knows my heart, He knows my desires. Maybe its time for me to take a deeper look into His heart, His desires. Stop being so preoccupied with my own doubts and insecurities. Be willing to learn to let go and trust. I don't know how to be completely willing. There is always a part of me that wants to hold on to the controls. It's easier to try to carry everything in the world than to let go, don't you think?
Perhaps letting go is not a one time, final act. Perhaps letting go is simply asking God to loosen our grip every time we are tempted to hold on tight to anything other than Him.
It sounds so simple but I think I am only just learning to ask. I am always wondering--how do I do it? I think that's the wrong question. Maybe letting go is not something I am even capable of. Maybe it's simply asking God to do it for me.