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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Power Struggle

Before I registered Aiden for school last week and realized things are changing everyday, I kind of had an internal break down. As I may have hinted in my previous post, sometimes I get really bored as a stay at home mom. I get restless, start thinking about all I want to accomplish in my life, and then feel helpless because it's hard to conquer the world when you've committed yourself to raising two young children. When you have daily routines that mainly consist and revolve around two little people, it's easy to feel a little trapped. It's hard to see the big picture sometimes. Please tell me I'm not alone in this!

Now I am not here to say, I have found the answer! I am now completely content with where I am! But I am learning some things about myself that are allowing me to be a little more ok with the way I feel sometimes. Or at least to understand the way I feel. I have extremely high standards for myself. So high that I can never reach them, and therefore will always feel like a failure. It's really hard for me to let go of past mistakes. I am a guilt ridden person. I feel bad about things for weeks, months, years. I tend to be very open with people. Then I regret it. Sometimes honesty and vulnerability turn around and bite you in the butt. I easily feel judged, which in turn makes me want to judge. These are things I wish I could change about myself. Things that if I could change, would allow me to enjoy life a lot more. Without these things I would be less anxious, less stressed, and a lot more willing to love.

My whole life my goal has been to be a "good christian". It was basically my motive behind everything, although I didn't realize it. I am only just grasping the fact that that was never God's intention for me. Isn't that crazy? It blows my mind. No wonder I feel like such a failure all the time! It's still so hard for me to grasp the idea of living by grace. I try to live by grace. But that's the thing, I try. I try with my own strength, and then it all goes back to me and my works and never measuring up. How is it possible that I have been a Christian my whole life and still don't get it?

So here is my question. How do you live by grace? What does that look like? Is it something I have to let God do? If so, how do I let Him? Can't He teach me even if I don't know how to let Him? Because I don't think I know how to not rely on my own works.

Also, how does one learn to be content without being complacent?

If you could answer these things, it would be greatly appreciated.


littlenelsonlady said...

thinking about these answers.... <3 thanks for your words!

Caitlin said...

You so consistently read my mind, it's scary--and how much more so once I have children too.
For me it's a control issue. I've been struggling with this lately as we pack up our lives again and move back across the ocean. Things never go according to plan, and I never fail to stress out. In fact, that seems to be the only thing I never fail at, while everything else comes crashing down.
I read the Philippians verse again this morning about no being anxious about anything. The translation I was reading had notes about this verse that really helped me. Firstly, Paul says, "in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." He says everything for a reason, it is deliberately all-inclusive and there are no restrictions in applying it. That was the first important thing I came across in this so familiar verse. But secondly, the notes also mention that Paul is not defining separate types of praying in this verse, rather the importance of patience in our prayers. The very act of presenting our worries and anxieties in prayer is a healing balm to our frazzled minds. And lastly, Paul says that if you do make these requests known, "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"--this is the direct answer to the prayer of anxiety (and it's that anxiety, for me at least, that is the seed of all my other troubles and worries in my life). Even things that cannot be fully comprehended, like living in grace for instance, can be peacefully experienced by those who are "in Christ".
I don't know if this helps at all, but your words were so right on with how I'm feeling right now that I really wanted to share that so well-known verse in the new light I found this morning. I hope it helps you as it did me.
Praying for you.
With love.


Vanessa Washburn said...

you are not alone in those thoughts. And that's probably the only question here I can answer.
But if you figure the other two out, please let me know. In the mean time if you ever want to get together and ponder the subjects I'm all for it. I had a great time at the lake on Friday.

Sam said...

let Love lead in life by saying no to leading myself. over and over again. and ...again. (and thats just today); pray and ask God to show me the blessings in this life and in the next breathe to show me his heartbreaks.