Before I registered Aiden for school last week and realized things are changing everyday, I kind of had an internal break down. As I may have hinted in my previous post, sometimes I get really bored as a stay at home mom. I get restless, start thinking about all I want to accomplish in my life, and then feel helpless because it's hard to conquer the world when you've committed yourself to raising two young children. When you have daily routines that mainly consist and revolve around two little people, it's easy to feel a little trapped. It's hard to see the big picture sometimes. Please tell me I'm not alone in this!
Now I am not here to say, I have found the answer! I am now completely content with where I am! But I am learning some things about myself that are allowing me to be a little more ok with the way I feel sometimes. Or at least to understand the way I feel. I have extremely high standards for myself. So high that I can never reach them, and therefore will always feel like a failure. It's really hard for me to let go of past mistakes. I am a guilt ridden person. I feel bad about things for weeks, months, years. I tend to be very open with people. Then I regret it. Sometimes honesty and vulnerability turn around and bite you in the butt. I easily feel judged, which in turn makes me want to judge. These are things I wish I could change about myself. Things that if I could change, would allow me to enjoy life a lot more. Without these things I would be less anxious, less stressed, and a lot more willing to love.
My whole life my goal has been to be a "good christian". It was basically my motive behind everything, although I didn't realize it. I am only just grasping the fact that that was never God's intention for me. Isn't that crazy? It blows my mind. No wonder I feel like such a failure all the time! It's still so hard for me to grasp the idea of living by grace. I try to live by grace. But that's the thing, I try. I try with my own strength, and then it all goes back to me and my works and never measuring up. How is it possible that I have been a Christian my whole life and still don't get it?
So here is my question. How do you live by grace? What does that look like? Is it something I have to let God do? If so, how do I let Him? Can't He teach me even if I don't know how to let Him? Because I don't think I know how to not rely on my own works.
Also, how does one learn to be content without being complacent?
If you could answer these things, it would be greatly appreciated.