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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Late night thoughts

Things have been a lot better the last two weeks. I still don't feel completely myself. I have moments of panic. Moments of despair. But mostly I feel like life is returning to normal ("normal" being, there really is no normal). Mostly I feel, I just need a break. Something substantial. A time to recover and regain all I've lost. Because it still feels like some of me is lost.

I miss feeling like God is close. We are on speaking terms. I'd say I love Him. I can't really look Him in the eyes though because I don't feel worthy. I can't get out of the rut where I believe He's disgusted with me, and that I have to re-win his favor. I sigh a lot.

We make daily outings, but the world feels heavy. I smile a lot more and my laughter is mostly genuine. Getting out of bed is a whole lot easier. But I am hesitant to leave my house. It takes a lot to get me to actually step over that threshold and enter the world out there. Even when "out there" is just my yard.

I get into heated conversations about things that don't really involve me because I can't help but be anxious and agitated with the way things are. I'm starting to want things again, but fear that holds me back is still there. The world feels large and scary, and I feel small and helpless. God feels distant. What I feel, although consuming, feels irrelevant.

What I need is rehabilitation of the soul.

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