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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Learning Always

It's been a long weekend. My sister and I threw a birthday party for our husbands. Family and friends came from out of town, and it was a lot of fun. But exhausting. Even though I got to sit and order other people around for most of it, I thought it might send me right into labor. But alas, I am still pregnant. This is ok. For now. Thanks to my mom, sister, and some friends, I have made huge strides in completing my list of things to get done before Gabriel arrives, and now I guess I probably have time to finish it. I'll try to focus on that.

I've gone to the chiropractor twice, and so far it goes like this:
I hobble into the office, trying my best not to do the pregnant waddle (failing miserably). Dr. Mike greets me with a smile, asks how I am doing, and tries to convince me I will feel better soon. I smile back, thinking, I know you'll try... but not really believing him despite his reassuring tones. After he adjusts my hips and cracks my back, I awkwardly lift myself from the bench, give a weak smile, and try my hardest to walk as though I feel at least a little better. For some reason I feel like I am going to hurt his feelings if he knows that I am actually in more pain. I have always been told how awesome it feels to be adjusted at a chiropractor and how loose and limber people feel after. I have yet to experience this. I go in pain and leave with more. Not to say that it isn't working at all. I've noticed I'll feel slightly better later that day or the next, but it just doesn't last for long. I figure I'll try it for one more week and see. I am tired of being in pain, of having other people do things for me, and I miss playing with my son. But I am thankful I have the help. I'd be hopeless without my sister here!

I could not sleep again the last two nights. I fall asleep no problem, but then wake either from pain or to pee and then remain awake for 3-4 hours. Ironically, the messages I've been reading are speaking of discomfort. I cursed God a lot when I was pregnant with Aiden, and even through the first year of his life. I was sick a lot, depressed, and almost always in some kind of pain or discomfort. I didn't understand why everything had to be so hard, and I was angry. I've been in a different place this time around- I'd like to think I've matured. But this last week I've found myself getting a little tiffed at my situation and feeling the anger rise. Dragging my feet (literally and figuratively) and complaining about anything I possibly can. Here I am at the end of my pregnancy, more motivated than ever to get things done I've been meaning to do for years, only to have a pinched nerve throw me off my game! My first instinct is to think I have the right to be angry, or annoyed at the very least. Well who wouldn't be, right? But then, in the quiet, miserable, wee hours of the night, I lay awake and I feel God calling me to choose. Not to be angry or bitter, but to praise Him regardless. Regardless of comfort, discomfort, or anything in between. Seems silly, but I had to sit and chew on this idea for some time. Anger has rarely been a choice for me. I jump on that wagon like it's the only option I've got and I ride it till it dies. But when I found myself complaining for the umpteenth time today, I suddenly realized something. Despite my pain and discomfort, God's love has been evident to me in more ways than I can count, just in this last week. Despite my constant complaining, He has showered me with one blessing after another. When I haven't made time for him, he has forced me from bed to make sure to spend time with me. And perhaps to refocus my vision. I have done nothing to deserve it and yet I am blessed. Why do I waste my thoughts on anything else? If it were up to me and my strength, I would not choose to praise. But God is faithful even in that. And he has given me a song to sing. Just for him. Hopefully I'll be singing it even if I'm still pregnant a week from now!


Sam said...


Serenity said...

You are an inspiration.

Serenity said...

p.s. I love living with/near you!