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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I am a mess.

I really could just leave it at that.

It's funny, insomnia seems to have left me and I am finally sleeping well even though each time I move shooting pain is sent down my back and through my hip. The theory is that I have a pinched (sciatic) nerve, or my hips are not aligned right, or most likely both. My back has been aching more and more the last few weeks, but in the last week it has spread to my hips and gotten so bad that I can barely walk. I waddle around, wincing with each step, uncontrollable moans and groans escape my mouth. It's become so noticeable that Aiden has taken to imitating me. "Oooh, my back mommy! Ouch! Kiss it!" I wish a kiss would make the problem go away. When I realized my pain had reached a "10" and was still getting worse each day, I decided it was time to ask for help. I got a massage. Worse. So I went to the chiropractor. Still worse. I am told chiropractors, though they claim to work like magic, are not in fact magicians, and that the cracking and crunching takes time to work. So I am set up to see this chiropractor 2-3 times a week until the pain goes away, or I have my baby, or both. Let's pray it works before I have to endure labor and delivery.

Despite my pain, which should be keeping me off my feet, I soldier on. I have tasks to do! I find tears making their way to my eyes as I hobble back and forth in agony around the house trying to clean, organize, and finish last minute touches to Gabriel's room. I am a woman obsessed. I refuse to let labor catch me off guard- I will be ready! That's the plan anyway. This is probably how I got in this mess to begin with. I'm just not sure what else to do but keep going. To sit still is more torturous than the invisible knives that stab through me when I move. So I sigh. I moan. Groan, wince, and cry. But this house will be ready, damnit! If it's the last thing I do...


Caitlin said...

Faith, this sounds miserable. I'm so sorry you're in so much pain--I'm praying for you. At least you know that it will all end soon, and the prospect of this pain going away seems much stronger than any fear or anxiety of the actual labor, so I suppose that's a plus--but I don't know by experience yet, so I won't pretend to know. But I'm praying for you and for Gabriel, and for a speedy and smooth (and soon!) delivery. Sending love your way.


Breka said...

Ugh. Even reading this makes me wince. Please do me a favor, sit down and have a cup of tea. (Which I just wrote as 'teat' damn milking season). If I lived closer, I'd let you boss me around from the couch but instead, I could send you pages and pages of nothingness that I will insist that you must read in order for my emotional well being?
I hope the non-magician works some magic and I'm glad you are at least able to sleep some again.