"Pain in the process and glory in the promise of you were dancing in her, and we felt the conflict." -Gloria Gaither (Quote written of a woman with child)
"It's a dreadful thing to live your life in your own strength instead of God's, and to ignore the living water He offers in favor of building your own cisterns...The key for experiencing the flow of God's living water in your life is... Obedience." - Brother Yun
I woke up around 1:30 this morning sick to my stomach. I cautiously made my way from bed, only realizing once I made it to the bathroom how little pain my back and hip were in. Despite my nausea (among other things), I couldn't help but thank God that my back and hip weren't bothering me. In fact, once I could leave the toilet, I walked around the house a few times just to see if it was for real. I still had to walk with a limp, but there was no sharp pain. This was especially unusual as the pain is usually much worse after laying on my side for long periods. Unfortunately this story doesn't end with a miraculous healing. Once I laid back in bed, I felt something move in my hip and my pain immediately returned. On a positive note, perspective was gained.
I don't know if I really know how to explain what I am learning. One thing is for sure, this blog is proof of the highs and lows my heart experiences each day, and when I am relying on my own strength it is very apparent. Just a couple verses God has given me yesterday and today that have comforted me:
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." - Psalm 62:5-6
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am." - John 14:1-3
If I know myself at all, I think I would have been pretty discouraged by the thought of Jesus leaving me in flesh. My conversation would go much like the one he had with his disciples (perhaps with a few more tears and whining). Reminds me of daily conversations I have with Aiden when I try to encourage him to see the bigger picture of a situation when he can not seem to get past the disappointment of not receiving immediate results.
It is so easy to believe that I have the right to be upset with my situation. Every right to be miserable, to complain, to think of myself first. And yet I pray for those living in grief and destruction to find their strength in God, to focus on His faithfulness instead of the despair around them. I am a hypocrite. Thank you God for not giving up on me.