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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Friday, May 6, 2011

A Pathetic Plea

"MOOOOOMY!" I awoke at 3:00 a.m. this morning to hysterical screams from my toddler's room, yelling to me in a voice of pain, fear, and confusion. My first instinct was to jump from bed and run to him. However, shooting pain in my back stopped me short, and instead I shook Aaron awake while I slowly moved to my side and slowly pushed myself up to a sitting position before I braced myself for the intense pain I knew would follow standing. Despite Aiden's desperate and deafening screams, my request for Aaron to run ahead to check on him while I caught up, and my slow, painful struggle simply to turn over in bed, I was up before Aaron even seemed to know what was going on. My instincts come from years of breastfeeding and knowing that if I don't go, no one will. Aaron on the other hand, sleeps much harder, wakes much slower, and often comes across as angry or annoyed when first woken up. I realize that this is not because he is genuinely upset or that he doesn't care, that he has a physically strenuous job, works too many hours, and can't help his exhaustion, but sometimes it really makes me want to slap him. "Aaron! Go check on Aiden!!" I hissed, without even trying to hide the aggravation from my voice. Realizing that I would pee my pants before making it to Aiden's room, I hesitantly made my way to the bathroom first. Whimpering and gasping in pain with each step, I tried my hardest not to cry or wet my pants. It was easy to feel sorry for myself in that moment.
Two years and nine months and Aiden is teething again. The last two nights he has woken up screaming in pain and hungry because he doesn't want to eat much in the day and is constantly drooling a fountain. I thought he had all his teeth in, but apparently even after cutting his two year molars months ago, they're still working their way up, slowly and painfully. I feel so bad for him, and at the same time can't help but think to myself- what timing! Do you ever find yourself- even while knowing things could be so much worse- wondering, why can't life just be easy for once?
I feel a little silly because I haven't even reached my due date yet, and I feel like I am even more desperate to get this baby out than my friends who were 7 days over due. It's not that I'm literally moping around just waiting to go into labor, but it's hard to not wish so desperately for some relief when every step you take sends an electric shock of pain into your back, or when you find yourself stuck in bed unable to move, crying like a child because you don't know how to make it stop. I am so done with this! I want to be able to hold my son and think more about how to help him feel better than how badly I wish I weren't in pain. I want to be able to rejoice with my husband about his successful tree job and massage his sore back, instead of whining about my own. I also want to stop thinking and talking about it! Maybe I should choose to do those things despite my pain. I really do try. But I am tired. Maybe it's not fair to ask this, but can I just have my baby now? Before I run out of the little energy I have left?

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