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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Letting go. And cleaning.

God is in control. I have heard this, seen this, and claimed this my entire life. Now I continue to slowly learn to believe and trust it. I have felt God speaking this over me the last few days especially as I fret and worry about all the big and little things going on in my life, the life of friends, and throughout the world. I have been stressing about everything lately. This morning I woke around 4:30 feeling achy, crampy, and restless. I keep having dreams that I am in labor because my discomfort is translating as labor pains in my dreams. My back hurts all the time. I used to think women who waddled around holding their backs looked so silly, I didn't feel that kind of posture necessary when pregnant with Aiden. Now I understand. I still try not to waddle, but each step sends pain into my lower back and abdomen. Heaven forbid I need to bend over or pick something up!

I am really not liking this stage. The physical side of things is bad enough, then there is the emotional. Poor Aaron comes home each night to a ranting or tearful wife who cannot be convinced that anything will ever be ready ever. He joins me on late night trips to Walmart to pick up last minute things, as I am determined to be as ready as I can by the end of this week. After getting what we need, I roam the aisles putting anything in the basket I think we could possibly use. For anything. Ever. Aaron then helps me put things back on the shelves as I realize stores will still exist after Gabriel is born. I don't think I was ever quite this crazy even at this point in my pregnancy with Aiden. Then again, I do recall making a 3:00 a.m. trip to Walmart one night...

This nesting stage is teaching me a lot. On one hand, it's frustrating because I want to relax and enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy, but on the other hand I can't help but feel anxious and rather crazy with these urges to be completely ready. My sister and her husband are currently staying in Gabriel's room until our friend who is living in our shop can move out and they can move down there. It is completely worth it to have them here, but not being able to set up the room is almost torture! Also, I finally received Gabriel's bassinet in the mail- the last item on my list- only to find that the screws and manual were missing and now it may take another week to get them! Deep down I know it's all going to work out. I am trusting the room will be ready before Gabriel is born, and really when I think about it, it is not the end of the world if it's not. But it feels like it is sometimes. I have a strong desire to control, but also know that I really don't have any control over the things I want to control most. There is not much I can do now but trust. And clean. So that is what I will do.


Caitlin said...

Ah, control. The bane of my existence and the biggest issue always between God and me. I'll continue praying for you in these last days, for peace, for comfort, and for unfettered trust in God's control and the ability to let go completely.


Sam said...

I remember that 3am walmart trip with aiden ;)