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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I haven't been blogging much lately. One, I am exhausted. I've reached the point of no return, there is simply no catching up on rest for me from this point on. Two, my sister Serenity and her husband are living with us now! This second one I am beyond excited about. Robbie is working with Aaron and Serenity is babysitting for a few people and helping me out a lot. They'll be here until they start hiking the AT in July. So yes, Serenity will be here for the first couple months after Gabriel is born- huge relief! God has heard my pitiful cry after all!
As Gabriel's arrival gets closer, it's about all I can think about. I'm moving out of the nervous stage and into the crazy nesting stage. Part of me is worried I'll never be ready enough (experience tells me this is probably true), and part of me could care less as long as it means not being pregnant anymore! I'm pretty over the big-round-belly, constant peeing, and never-ending fatigue. This pregnancy has been a lot easier than my last, which has convinced me, I don't think it matters how good or bad it is, I just don't like being pregnant. Don't worry, I don't need any lectures on what a miracle making new life is and what a precious gift it is. I know these things and I am thankful for the experience. But I think for a long while, very possibly forever, I am done with pregnancy. I love my boys with an undying love, I take pride in being their mother, and if God were to bless me with more children I would be grateful. I just hope not to have to carry anymore in my belly.
At the end of my pregnancy with Aiden I spent a lot of time cleaning and day dreaming. I had no idea what to expect, so I worried little about what I would need and thought more about what it would be like to simply hold him in my arms. This time around, I've found myself focusing a whole lot more on what I need for Gabriel. I know now what I can't go without- and what I never want to go without again. In one sense it makes the wait a little easier, as my desire to be "ready" balances my desire to not be pregnant. But it's hard for me to imagine actually holding Gabriel. Holding a baby, that is mine, that is not Aiden. It's a weird concept to grasp. I have a sense of who he is and what he may be like, but to imagine physically holding him in my arms and joining him to our everyday family life from there on out... I simply can't imagine it yet!


Vanessa Washburn said...

Man faith, much needed call out. I am in the same place of worrying about getting everything ready, I have barely even though about life with 2 babies, or the joy of having a new baby. If I don't slow down pretty soon I am going to totally miss the beginning of my son's life for the sake of shopping trips for things he "needs".

Sam said...

Praise the Lord that Serenity is going to be there! so excited about that sweet time for you all! ...And don't take this the wrong way, but its refreshing hearing you say that you don't like the 'pregnant' part of being pregnant. much love, sister.