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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Life, oh life!

Today is a good good day. It is 73 degrees. My son is actually napping (he's been on strike). I already ran several errands this morning. And I am finally doing a few chores around the house I've been putting off for some time. Tasks for today: 1) go through Aiden's toys and get rid of and store any excess/outgrown toys, 2) clean laundry room, 3) wash and put away all Gabriel's clothes and cloth diapers, 4) try not to eat EVERYTHING! (Seriously, what am I going to do with myself? Only a month left and it's like my body is storing up for a marathon. Hungry all the time.)

My sister had a side cleaning job this morning and then left this afternoon to visit family in Charlotte for the weekend. Funny how I wait till she's not around to be productive. We haven't lived together or even near each other in over 8 years, so I guess I've just been soaking up the time I get to spend with her reminiscing and catching up on the last two years. Let me tell you something, there's nothing like having someone live with you, witnessing your everyday life, to reveal how very lame your life is. Well, I won't jump to general statements just yet, perhaps yours would be fascinating. Let's just say, having my sister around all time suddenly made me realize how very uneventful my life really is right now. Don't get me wrong, I have felt it. Boredom has had it's heavy toll on my weary soul these last few months. Now with Gabriel coming so soon, I mean, I really thought I'd have something going on by this point despite my new year's resolution (remember my claim to "not make any plans"?). Things I have accomplished since the new year: 1) growing a baby, 2) spending a lot of time with my ever fascinating, ever thought-provoking toddler, 3) enjoying the last I will see of my husband, 4) a whole lot of not getting stuff done, 5) mulling, mulling, mulling thoughts and words of God, 6) waiting- rather impatiently I might add. With all the procrastinating and no plans going on, you'd think I spent my time earnestly seeking God as I felt him constantly calling me to do. In reality, he had to wake me night after night when my living room was freezing and my only options were to be miserable or spend time with him. Confession: Did you know that my laptop's screen mysteriously broke this winter and that our desktop sits in my unheated dining space? We lent our extra space heater to a friend for the winter and we always let the fire die at night. I was tempted several of my sleepless nights to watch Hulu instead of read, but the cold always drove me back to my bed where my Bible lay. My sister had a quote on her status the other day that I can't stop thinking about.

‎"[God] is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him." -C.S. Lewis

Could this be true? My heart wants to believe that God wants me. That even though I can do nothing to deserve his grace and love, he would offer it endlessly anyway. But my mind. My dense, stubborn, useless mush of a mind. She won't let me believe it whole heartedly. I still try to prove myself to God. Fall short every time. But I still convince myself I'll just try a little harder, and one day I'll be worth it. God? Do you hear this? Do you laugh at my foolishness? Or do you weep at my sorry condition? I can say all the right words, yet I continue to dizzy myself on this merry-go-round of false pretenses. This last weekend God practically forced me to go to this ladies prayer retreat. I mean, what's a prayer retreat, really? I had no idea, and I wasn't really interested, but somehow my heart would not rest and I showed up anyway. I have been shy with prayer lately. I knew God would speak, but I was not ready to hear. What would he say? I could only imagine him calling me out on my short-comings and telling me how selfish, half-hearted, and unfaithful I was being. Instead? He blessed me. He gave me promises I can't explain (I've tried several times, I end up crying or stuttering and making no sense). I could not believe that in all my hard-headed stubbornness, he chose to comfort me instead of reprimand me. It kind of makes me blush. In fact, despite the reality of the experience I had, I have been somewhat in denial this whole week. My heart is still digesting. My mind? She'll come around eventually.


littlenelsonlady said...

<3 I love you. thanks for your words.

Breka said...

Faith, I miss you. And I'm awfully glad for technology that let's me still know what's going on in your life. Your honesty in your spiritual life is one of the few things that keeps me wavering where I am...so I guess that's a thank you? Carry on, friend.

Caitlin said...

I love how C.S. Lewis quotes never fail to make you stop and say 'Oh...right' and can make you completely change your way of thinking,(even if in our human-ness it only lasts for a little while). The one you quoted is a particularly good one, thanks for sharing--I needed to hear it. Thank your sister for me too. :)