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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


You know that feeling when there is something you really should be doing, but you just can't get yourself to do it? That's how I feel right now. I should be practicing my SAT "skills" (although it feels like I really have none when it comes to this damn test). The SAT? Why, yes, the SAT. That's right, I am 25 (almost 26! Ack!), have already been in college for many years, and now I am having to take the test that I thought I had truly gotten away with not taking.

Here's the thing, when I was of the SAT-taking age I lived in China. The closest place to take the SAT was an over-night train ride away. The first time I was scheduled to take it, the school my parent taught at (that supplied our family's visas) decided not to renew our visas just days before they expired, forcing us to leave the country for a week while we renewed them ourselves, during which I should have been taking the SAT. The second time I was scheduled to take it just so happened to fall right smack in the middle of the SARS epidemic and, obviously, no one was permitted to travel during that time. Sounds like my-dog-ate-my-homework kind of bs, right? Only it's true--crazy as it may be. Lucky for me (at the time), I ended up going to a small private college initially and they didn't see my lack of SAT scores as an issue. After that I had enough credits to avoid colleges asking for my scores. Until now that is. Apparently this college simply must have my SAT scores regardless of my previous college education. So the SAT I must take. I pity myself greatly.

Honestly the only part I am worried about is the math. I took a practice test and my results concur. You see I have avoided math like the plague, and it's been a good 8-10 years since I've had to do most of these problems, and even then I didn't do them well. I've tried to get several people to tutor me, but as it turns out, even mathematically-inclined-recent-high-school-graduates don't know how to do half of these problems.

I want to sit here and pout and complain about the fact that this test doesn't prove anything about how intelligent I am or how likely I am able to learn. It only proves that I suck at long-winded, uselessly worded problems that no one actually uses in real life. I want to get in the test makers' faces and scream, "I'm a sweaty, anxious mess, I smell bad, and I might not get into the school I need because of you heartless and sadistic people!" This test has turned me into a pitiful teenage soul once again.

All day I've been praying, God please, even if I absolutely don't deserve to get a good score, will you just help that happen? I'm not sure it's fair to pray that. I know God isn't a genie in a bottle. But at the same time I know God has brought me here, so I'm just saying... please? If not a supernaturally high score, then maybe a supernatural ability to focus?

Prayers appreciated.

1 comment:

Vanessa Washburn said...

You got this faith. Just think numbery thoughts.