Life is settling down. The excitement and hustle and bustle of moving to a new town has quieted to a new normal. I still wake each morning happy to be where I am, to feel how I feel. Treasuring the love of life I have too often taken for granted. I feel God tugging on my heart and I rest there. Continue to be patient with me, Lord. I continue to take each day slowly. Occasionally able to read my Bible. My prayers more a conversation left open-ended. Knowing things are still healing. And as I take each day as it comes, I am rarely disappointed. It's hard to be disappointed when you can smile and laugh and actually mean it. When you can see blue skies and feel the sun. When you can feel God speaking love into your soul. To not want the end before it's time. Because a life of darkness is worse than death.
Today someone asked me if I am afraid of things going bad again. If I fear the cooler weather that has so often accompanied my dark days. I wish I could say I am not afraid, but that would be a lie. I am afraid. I am still processing things. I don't want to ever go through that again. And yes, if it were up to me it would be eternally summer. I wish I could say I was falling in love with fall again, but even the thought of things I once looked forward to yearly (flannel shirts, fires on cool nights, colorful leaves... I could go on) now leave me feeling uneasy, even physically sick some days, knowing that winter is to follow. However, despite my fears, I know without a doubt that God is faithful. It's not about surviving, or knowing things will be "ok" in the end. It's knowing that it's all in God's hands. I am in God's hands. Being at peace with whatever that may mean. Knowing that my definitions of comfort and safety are not the end-all to life.
Finally. This is the peace I have been seeking since my earliest memories.