Maybe one day regular non-vague posts will come again.

‎"When you're happy you enjoy the music, but when you're sad you understand the lyrics." 
-Frank Ocean (I stole this quote from a friend's facebook status because regardless of the fact that I had never heard of Frank Ocean until I read that quote, it's a good one.)

These days I am both enjoying the music and understanding the lyrics. It's a strange place to be, both at the end of one part and the beginning of another. Some days I am overwhelmed with the joy that comes from learning how it feels to be truly loved. Other days I am completely humbled by the experiences that have deepened my life. I no longer ask, Do I deserve this? In anger and bitterness, but, Do I deserve this? In humility and awe. 

God has literally moved my family to the one place I swore I would never move. If you had told me three years ago that God was going to move me to Charlotte in 3 years time, I would have slumped down and cried. Possibly given up on life. Or pulled a serious Jonah. I'm not kidding. The funny thing is, I was excited to come. The funnier thing is, I am so happy I am here. In fact, in this moment, I would be no where else. That is one of the first times I have ever been able to say that. 

I don't have a whole lot of answers, or a whole lot of questions for that matter. After years and years of question after question and hours upon hours of trying to come up with my own answers, I have finally been given a glimpse of what I've been looking for. I wish there was a way to describe it in one little blog post. All I know is, I know for a fact when I look back on my life, this year will stick out as a turning point. There is no doubt about it.

Answered Prayers

Boy has this been a tough year. Toughest in my life I think. The dark times have been so very dark, and the good times full of depth and understanding I didn't even realize was lacking. There is part of me that would wish this year away. Put it far, far away into my past. But I also know it's not over yet and the past never stays there for long without haunting the future at one point or another. For now I simply try to get through each day as it comes, hoping for the best.

On a positive note, this time of transition is coming to a close. Aaron is officially selling his business, his new job is perfect for him (and our family) for the time being, we'll be moving into our new home in the next few days, and Aiden is enrolled in preschool and will be starting soon. To say I am excited about all this is an understatement. I am more... ecstatic. In my own currently reserved kind of way. :) 

It's quite miraculous watching as God answers my many years worth of prayers all in a few months, and seeing how He has been leading us all along, though my heart (and mind) doubted time and time again. Seeing how He is using some of the most painful times of my life, bringing healing and redemption, is humbling to say the least. It's not nearly as easy as I thought it would be to learn how to trust, to live in grace, and see the depths of God's love for us. Have you ever read those inspirational books about someone's life where you think, Gosh that person is freaking amazing, I could never be so strong and trusting? Well if their experiences are anything like mine, I can say that they are not that amazing, or strong, or trusting, they are simply experiencing a God-breathed life. It's still hard, painful, and even rather traumatic. But God is good.

Sigh. Wait. Step.

It's funny, when you reach the point of weakness when an hour of normalcy exhausts you. Those days when you can no longer force yourself up and out and on your way. When you give into just laying down. Just for awhile... that lasts for longer.

When you know there is no real way to explain. No way to understand. Nothing to do but keep inching along. Even when you don't want to.

That is when you see you have judged yourself too harshly. You may think, Wow! How much you were capable of those days so long ago. How did you do it? And you may think you were just awesome and then miss that person and wonder if you'll see her again.

Knowing what good has come and what good will come, doesn't make the present any easier. The pain any less painful.

You sigh, you wait, you take a step. Sigh, wait, take a step. Sigh. Wait. Step. The longest walk of your life.

It's amazing how hard you can try and still fail. It's amazing how much you can give and still fall short. It's amazing how anyone at anytime can turn on you, or you on them. How easily we can turn ourselves into victims because we can't face the fact that we are guilty.

I get angry and I want to throw things, or punch certain people in the face. I get so hurt by insensitivity, selfishness of others, and just plain stupidity. I want to scream, "Hey idiot! You deserve everything that's coming at you!" I want to give up on the whole lot.

Sometimes when I'm done pointing my finger and cursing, I look at my own reflection.

As long as we can not accept God's grace, His love, and His forgiveness, we will always be the victims. We will never heal. We will always beat ourselves over the head with our failings and blame others for our shame. We will push away those that love us till they can no longer stand to look at us. It's a vicious cycle this humanity thing.

Definitions Left Unclear

Have you seen The Last of the Mohicans? I watched it  a long, long time ago. I was a young girl and it impacted me deeply. I don't remember a whole lot of it, but there is one scene that always comes back to me. It's the scene where the girl stands on the cliff. She has two options. Stand, and die a slow and painful death at the hands of evil. Or jump. I always wondered what I would do if I ever found myself in her position.

I have never been a brave person. I walk forward out of necessity, not choice. I make choices every day. I hate feeling out of control. But often I want decisions made for me. So I don't make the wrong choice. So I am not to blame. Stand, or jump? I am not sure which decision is braver. I'm not sure bravery is the point. We shouldn't have to choose out of those two options. We shouldn't have to. Yet this is the world. There are many things that shouldn't be.

Some days I like to hope that one day my life will make for an inspirational story. One that speaks of mercy, love, and grace. Other days I just lie in it. Unable to move. When a cloud passing over the sun feels like eternal darkness, where do you turn? Do you stand? Or jump.

It feels like a choice about the end. But in the end, the outcomes are the same, no? Because the choice isn't really about the end outcome. It's about the in-between. How we choose to spend it. When that is no longer a choice. When that is chosen for you. That is when the end becomes our focus. That is when the choice begins to feel like it's about the end. The end is inevitable. To focus there is to die before we are ready. Before we are really dead. And the living dead are the most frightening, aren't they?

I used to be unafraid of the end. If it's my time, it's my time. I would often say. Though I was no risk taker, I knew the end would be ok. That was before I found love, and made little people. Suddenly I was no longer on my own. I felt I had to live, for I was now a part of something more. I felt important and necessary for the well-being of others. But now I am starting to feel alone again.

Some wonder what it is I must have been through to bring me to this place. Or say, You have been through so much! I laugh at that. Have you seen this world? My life has no more than yours, or her's, or his. They say, Let me help you! Let me be there for you! But my burden is too much for them. And they are not enough for me. How can you help me? Only God can help me. And He has chosen to allow me here. So my choice is not stand or jump. I have only one option. The only one I am capable of. To wait.

I am not Yoda mind you. I do not sit calmly, palms raised, my awkward head all poised in meditation. I writhe and complain and ask why and ask how and I get angry. Sometimes I make jokes. Or pretend I have answers. Sometimes I lay down.

I used to let tears flow freely. Seriously, ask anyone. But now I conserve. I let the waves wash over me instead. Feeling soon I won't have the will to lift my head over them anymore. I say quietly to God. If you love me you will come for me. You will lift me from this place.


His answer is His choice. I will live and I will die with it. I've realized this is why I have never been capable of joining any one denomination. I can not say, "I commit to this church. This doctrine." Not because I can't make a choice. But because I can not trust in any one doctrine. And there is no such thing as "this" or "that" church. I can only trust one. The One who gives and takes away. I am not my own.