The new year began and progressed, but already my goals lay flat, unused, untampered, just flat and dusty in the corner of my mind. The most important goal, the unsaid, but always underlying goal took precedence and consumed all else. Survival. I have been in a mindset of survival the last few months. I want more. I want to thrive, but one must survive in order to thrive. As I find myself coming out of this somewhat comatose state of survival, I find myself reaching out once again for life. A full life. A pale blue, shriveled lung, finding it's life source, turning pink and plump again, sucking in sweet oxygen, just as importantly pushing out carbon dioxide, only to bring in fresh oxygen once again. The process is not only necessary but rejuvenating. To thrive is a most beautiful existence.
My goals lie flat, unused, untampered. Just a flat dusty list in the corner of my mind. My goals are survival mechanisms. My goals aren't what make me thrive. Making goals, even achieving them, they are nothing without the purpose behind them. The force that pushes me to grasp for more, more, more. When you reach the place so low, so destitute, so basic that even a breath requires a plea of help, you find yourself asking-- what is that force? What pushes me forward when I don't want to go on? What is this that makes me ask for more, no matter how basic or complex it may be?
I met up with a friend who is waiting to hear if she's been accepted into the same nursing program I was planning on applying to. She also has two young children, just about the same ages as my boys. Her husband owns his own tree company. I thought, If she can, why can't I? Now that I feel like I can breathe again, I feel so much more capable. We discussed schedules, childcare, how doable it all really was. I felt the desire burning in me again. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can... I began making plans. I do love plans.
Then I sought God. I held my list out: Here Lord, bless these please? And if I add a few more, bless those as well? On the chance that you don't approve of these plans, can you let me in on the meeting where we can make new plans together? Just so I can can approve... you know, make sure you know what I really want.
I am back at square one. God knows I'll make plans. I really don't think making plans is so wrong in and of itself, but I want to be more willing to let them go. I want to be more willing to learn His plans. To follow His lead. This doesn't mean that I won't accomplish any of the goals I set for this year, it simply means I am not tying myself to them. They will not take precedence. They are subject to change.
This brings me to where I am now. Back at square one. To begin this new year with no plan but to seek God, and let Him do the leading. Now that I know better, it really doesn't sound so simple.