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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Please pray for my family. It feels like the closer Aaron's departure to Haiti comes, the more discouraged and anxious we both get. Not about the trip to Haiti, but life in general. I feel like satan is trying to distract and discombobulate us. I am tired of wanting to give up on life, and I can see Aaron struggling with the weight of trying to keep us both afloat. I want something BIG to happen while Aaron is in Haiti. But I also don't want to get my hopes up that life will really change. And I keep asking myself, is this big change something that happens to us? Or something we choose to make happen? And do I want something big simply because I am not patient enough to work through the small things?

I have been having a rough few days. I've found that the "bad" days are not so much related to the crap that goes on in my life, as much as the crap that goes on in my heart. I love and hate this. I love it because it serves as a constant reminder that it is God who satisfies and quenches, not my things and life style. I hate it because if it were up to me there would be no bad days. I would always be loving, patient, and understanding. I would always have my priorities straight and nothing would stress me because I would trust that God is good and be able to rest in that.

I could blame my bad days on several things...

I am tired, I have not slept good in over two months (or 4 years?), and the last three nights have been even worse. Gabriel, who was sleeping through the night at 2 months, decided at 6 months he would start waking up every two hours. The pattern has yet to change. Aiden started waking in the night too. Then Gypsy (our dog) decided she would come whining to be let out every few hours the last few nights. Last night Gabriel settled for waking up 5 times in a two hour period, then every hour after that. Now he is sleeping soundly. I am on my second cup of coffee.

After a couple weeks of slow and quiet recuperation from 2011, Aaron's work has revived and there are no signs of things slowing down any time soon. This is really good in the financial sense. Winters are always hard for us. November and December invoices are always returned much later than usual (and this year has been the worse yet), and we don't really make enough in the year yet to keep our slow winters comfortable. It also never fails that our car dies right around Christmas and we have to get a "new" one. This winter was no different... until the phone started ringing. And didn't stop. So like I said before, this is good. But I wasn't ready to lose my husband again. Do you know how wonderful it is after months of no breaks, to suddenly having some time to yourself and then coming home to a clean kitchen? Or how nice it is to have dinner cooked for you? And how especially wonderful it is to see your husband in the middle of the day! It was like a winter vacation. Usually I get a job in the winter to make up for the slow flow of work. It's nice because Aaron gets more time with the kids, and I get some time away. But something held me back this year (oh yeah, depression). Now I am glad I didn't go and get a job because I'd be stuck without anyone to watch the kids. I am also a little sad. I kind of look forward to having a few months in the "working world." However, I must take paying bills efficiently over having a break of routine.

I had been in a fairly peaceful place the last week or so. Agitations still existed, but I felt at terms with my limitations and trust in God's omnipotence. So I guess the combination of lack of sleep and the adjusting to less help and company around the house have played their parts in bringing me down. But I also know it's more than that. I am feeling under attack. I have been having stressful dreams. In one I was responsible for finding a murderer and making sure he didn't hurt anyone. I was working along side paid professionals with guns, but we were bound to get separated. I was given a kitchen knife to defend myself. The other dream there was another murderer loose (the genius-psychotic type), but I was simply trying to avoid him. I made sure all my doors were locked and my children were close. Somehow I kept finding windows and doors open, and I would see him sitting calmly on my front porch just staring at me. My children got separated. He got to gabriel before I could. I begged him to let him go. He did, but then he had someone follow me wherever I went so I couldn't tell anyone he was there. I couldn't protect anyone else from him. I was still trapped despite my apparent freedom.

I feel trapped in a mindset of anxiety and helplessness. I have been struggling with Dr. King's call to dissatisfaction. Well, no, dissatisfaction comes easily. It's more so his call to take action. I get overwhelmed with the needs of our fellow people of this world, mostly because I already feel overwhelmed with my own little world. It makes me want to hide myself in a fictional story and lose myself there. Of course, when summoned to reality it's only that much harder to face. Sometimes I feel like talking or writing will make it feel better. But mostly it doesn't.

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