Most days I feel like I'm just trying to keep up. I constantly find myself trying to figure out how to "get ahead", but I don't even know that that's possible. Some days I find myself thinking, "Hey, I've got this. This isn't as hard as I thought." Other days, I feel like I won't even make it to lunch. I feel bad for how often I get frustrated with my toddler, simply for being a toddler. He doddles. He dotes. The fact that we may be in a hurry doesn't ever cross his mind. And honestly, there rarely is a reason to be in a hurry except for my own silly idea that things should happen faster.
Some days I feel much too young to be responsible for raising two small children. Does anyone ever completely feel ready for that responsibility? I think I would be a much different person if not for my boys. Most days I like to think they've made me better. Some days I can't get past the fear that I'll make them worse. Being a mother is such a frightening role sometimes. You hold so much influence over who your child becomes. Half the time I feel the role is much too great for someone like me. The other half I feel like I am "just a mom" and why am I not capable of more? The world plays a dirty game with a mother's head.
I keep feeling like I need to get my life in order. Have a schedule. Be productive. But honestly, I'm not sure what that looks like for me right now. So I haven't figured out how to do it yet.
If you have not read "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua, then you should. Her triumphs and failures are both encouraging and amusing. I find myself wanting to be just like her and nothing like her at the same time. Mostly, she's a fantastic writer and through her story she truly captures the essence of every mother's battle (Chinese or not).