I am a mess.

I really could just leave it at that.

It's funny, insomnia seems to have left me and I am finally sleeping well even though each time I move shooting pain is sent down my back and through my hip. The theory is that I have a pinched (sciatic) nerve, or my hips are not aligned right, or most likely both. My back has been aching more and more the last few weeks, but in the last week it has spread to my hips and gotten so bad that I can barely walk. I waddle around, wincing with each step, uncontrollable moans and groans escape my mouth. It's become so noticeable that Aiden has taken to imitating me. "Oooh, my back mommy! Ouch! Kiss it!" I wish a kiss would make the problem go away. When I realized my pain had reached a "10" and was still getting worse each day, I decided it was time to ask for help. I got a massage. Worse. So I went to the chiropractor. Still worse. I am told chiropractors, though they claim to work like magic, are not in fact magicians, and that the cracking and crunching takes time to work. So I am set up to see this chiropractor 2-3 times a week until the pain goes away, or I have my baby, or both. Let's pray it works before I have to endure labor and delivery.

Despite my pain, which should be keeping me off my feet, I soldier on. I have tasks to do! I find tears making their way to my eyes as I hobble back and forth in agony around the house trying to clean, organize, and finish last minute touches to Gabriel's room. I am a woman obsessed. I refuse to let labor catch me off guard- I will be ready! That's the plan anyway. This is probably how I got in this mess to begin with. I'm just not sure what else to do but keep going. To sit still is more torturous than the invisible knives that stab through me when I move. So I sigh. I moan. Groan, wince, and cry. But this house will be ready, damnit! If it's the last thing I do...

Sunday

I miss Saturday morning breakfast. I miss weekend hikes. I miss coffee dates. I miss my husband! As Aaron walked out the door on this beautiful Saturday morning on Easter weekend, I couldn't help but feel nostalgic for days before life required so much work. Most days he is out by 7:00 a.m. and not back until 8-9:00 p.m. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited for the business, which has doubled in size with each season. I could not be more proud of my husband and his ability to work so hard from dawn till dusk six days a week, but I sure do miss him. On the brighter side, this year is better than last in that he has promised Sundays off. That's a start!

A few days ago, I came home to find a beautiful bouquet sitting on my dresser with a sweet note from Aaron that only I would understand. It was our wedding ceremony anniversary which I had completely forgotten but Aaron had not! Even though he couldn't be home till late that night, he always makes a point to make things special for me. I am thankful for that.

I have been so consumed with being ready for Gabriel's upcoming birth I have forgotten a few things about this weekend. Tomorrow is Sunday. Aaron's day off. Easter. And Aaron's birthday. Can't get much better than that! Unfortunately we cannot go visit family for Easter since I'm so close to my due date and they were unable to come to us. We'll be celebrating Aaron's birthday party next week joint with my brother-in-law's, so today my main task is to come up with a creative way to make Easter and Aaron's birthday a special one, without friends and family, and on a very tight budget. Wish I had started thinking sooner. Wish me luck!

Letting go. And cleaning.

God is in control. I have heard this, seen this, and claimed this my entire life. Now I continue to slowly learn to believe and trust it. I have felt God speaking this over me the last few days especially as I fret and worry about all the big and little things going on in my life, the life of friends, and throughout the world. I have been stressing about everything lately. This morning I woke around 4:30 feeling achy, crampy, and restless. I keep having dreams that I am in labor because my discomfort is translating as labor pains in my dreams. My back hurts all the time. I used to think women who waddled around holding their backs looked so silly, I didn't feel that kind of posture necessary when pregnant with Aiden. Now I understand. I still try not to waddle, but each step sends pain into my lower back and abdomen. Heaven forbid I need to bend over or pick something up!

I am really not liking this stage. The physical side of things is bad enough, then there is the emotional. Poor Aaron comes home each night to a ranting or tearful wife who cannot be convinced that anything will ever be ready ever. He joins me on late night trips to Walmart to pick up last minute things, as I am determined to be as ready as I can by the end of this week. After getting what we need, I roam the aisles putting anything in the basket I think we could possibly use. For anything. Ever. Aaron then helps me put things back on the shelves as I realize stores will still exist after Gabriel is born. I don't think I was ever quite this crazy even at this point in my pregnancy with Aiden. Then again, I do recall making a 3:00 a.m. trip to Walmart one night...

This nesting stage is teaching me a lot. On one hand, it's frustrating because I want to relax and enjoy these last weeks of pregnancy, but on the other hand I can't help but feel anxious and rather crazy with these urges to be completely ready. My sister and her husband are currently staying in Gabriel's room until our friend who is living in our shop can move out and they can move down there. It is completely worth it to have them here, but not being able to set up the room is almost torture! Also, I finally received Gabriel's bassinet in the mail- the last item on my list- only to find that the screws and manual were missing and now it may take another week to get them! Deep down I know it's all going to work out. I am trusting the room will be ready before Gabriel is born, and really when I think about it, it is not the end of the world if it's not. But it feels like it is sometimes. I have a strong desire to control, but also know that I really don't have any control over the things I want to control most. There is not much I can do now but trust. And clean. So that is what I will do.

Life, oh life!

Today is a good good day. It is 73 degrees. My son is actually napping (he's been on strike). I already ran several errands this morning. And I am finally doing a few chores around the house I've been putting off for some time. Tasks for today: 1) go through Aiden's toys and get rid of and store any excess/outgrown toys, 2) clean laundry room, 3) wash and put away all Gabriel's clothes and cloth diapers, 4) try not to eat EVERYTHING! (Seriously, what am I going to do with myself? Only a month left and it's like my body is storing up for a marathon. Hungry all the time.)

My sister had a side cleaning job this morning and then left this afternoon to visit family in Charlotte for the weekend. Funny how I wait till she's not around to be productive. We haven't lived together or even near each other in over 8 years, so I guess I've just been soaking up the time I get to spend with her reminiscing and catching up on the last two years. Let me tell you something, there's nothing like having someone live with you, witnessing your everyday life, to reveal how very lame your life is. Well, I won't jump to general statements just yet, perhaps yours would be fascinating. Let's just say, having my sister around all time suddenly made me realize how very uneventful my life really is right now. Don't get me wrong, I have felt it. Boredom has had it's heavy toll on my weary soul these last few months. Now with Gabriel coming so soon, I mean, I really thought I'd have something going on by this point despite my new year's resolution (remember my claim to "not make any plans"?). Things I have accomplished since the new year: 1) growing a baby, 2) spending a lot of time with my ever fascinating, ever thought-provoking toddler, 3) enjoying the last I will see of my husband, 4) a whole lot of not getting stuff done, 5) mulling, mulling, mulling thoughts and words of God, 6) waiting- rather impatiently I might add. With all the procrastinating and no plans going on, you'd think I spent my time earnestly seeking God as I felt him constantly calling me to do. In reality, he had to wake me night after night when my living room was freezing and my only options were to be miserable or spend time with him. Confession: Did you know that my laptop's screen mysteriously broke this winter and that our desktop sits in my unheated dining space? We lent our extra space heater to a friend for the winter and we always let the fire die at night. I was tempted several of my sleepless nights to watch Hulu instead of read, but the cold always drove me back to my bed where my Bible lay. My sister had a quote on her status the other day that I can't stop thinking about.


‎"[God] is not proud...He will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him." -C.S. Lewis

Could this be true? My heart wants to believe that God wants me. That even though I can do nothing to deserve his grace and love, he would offer it endlessly anyway. But my mind. My dense, stubborn, useless mush of a mind. She won't let me believe it whole heartedly. I still try to prove myself to God. Fall short every time. But I still convince myself I'll just try a little harder, and one day I'll be worth it. God? Do you hear this? Do you laugh at my foolishness? Or do you weep at my sorry condition? I can say all the right words, yet I continue to dizzy myself on this merry-go-round of false pretenses. This last weekend God practically forced me to go to this ladies prayer retreat. I mean, what's a prayer retreat, really? I had no idea, and I wasn't really interested, but somehow my heart would not rest and I showed up anyway. I have been shy with prayer lately. I knew God would speak, but I was not ready to hear. What would he say? I could only imagine him calling me out on my short-comings and telling me how selfish, half-hearted, and unfaithful I was being. Instead? He blessed me. He gave me promises I can't explain (I've tried several times, I end up crying or stuttering and making no sense). I could not believe that in all my hard-headed stubbornness, he chose to comfort me instead of reprimand me. It kind of makes me blush. In fact, despite the reality of the experience I had, I have been somewhat in denial this whole week. My heart is still digesting. My mind? She'll come around eventually.

I haven't been blogging much lately. One, I am exhausted. I've reached the point of no return, there is simply no catching up on rest for me from this point on. Two, my sister Serenity and her husband are living with us now! This second one I am beyond excited about. Robbie is working with Aaron and Serenity is babysitting for a few people and helping me out a lot. They'll be here until they start hiking the AT in July. So yes, Serenity will be here for the first couple months after Gabriel is born- huge relief! God has heard my pitiful cry after all!
As Gabriel's arrival gets closer, it's about all I can think about. I'm moving out of the nervous stage and into the crazy nesting stage. Part of me is worried I'll never be ready enough (experience tells me this is probably true), and part of me could care less as long as it means not being pregnant anymore! I'm pretty over the big-round-belly, constant peeing, and never-ending fatigue. This pregnancy has been a lot easier than my last, which has convinced me, I don't think it matters how good or bad it is, I just don't like being pregnant. Don't worry, I don't need any lectures on what a miracle making new life is and what a precious gift it is. I know these things and I am thankful for the experience. But I think for a long while, very possibly forever, I am done with pregnancy. I love my boys with an undying love, I take pride in being their mother, and if God were to bless me with more children I would be grateful. I just hope not to have to carry anymore in my belly.
At the end of my pregnancy with Aiden I spent a lot of time cleaning and day dreaming. I had no idea what to expect, so I worried little about what I would need and thought more about what it would be like to simply hold him in my arms. This time around, I've found myself focusing a whole lot more on what I need for Gabriel. I know now what I can't go without- and what I never want to go without again. In one sense it makes the wait a little easier, as my desire to be "ready" balances my desire to not be pregnant. But it's hard for me to imagine actually holding Gabriel. Holding a baby, that is mine, that is not Aiden. It's a weird concept to grasp. I have a sense of who he is and what he may be like, but to imagine physically holding him in my arms and joining him to our everyday family life from there on out... I simply can't imagine it yet!