I realized last week that I am not completely healed from winter depression. I'm not completely healed because it's not completely gone. Can you call it winter depression when it follows you to spring and summer? I don't know. What I do know is, reaching the light at the end of one tunnel, doesn't mean there aren't more tunnels to follow. I really don't like tunnels. Life can be so tumultuous. So frustrating. So confusing and complex. I often wonder, what am I doing wrong? Why do I struggle with these things that others seem to just take in stride?
I'll just admit it. I want life to be easy. Not because I am lazy so much, but because I often feel so tired and worn down. It's hard to face challenges head on when you don't feel like you even have strength to stand up. I'm just tired of being tired and drained. When does that miraculous "filling up" happen? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped trying so hard. What if I stopped struggling, fighting, and trying so hard to make this whole thing click. And just live. Is that even possible?
Life is not always good. Paths not always straight. Purpose and goals not always clear. Few things make sense. Most things are just out of reach. But somehow, when life is good (even if just for a moment), when paths are straight (even if just for a stroll), when purpose and goals are clear (even if not all at once), when things makes sense (even if only to you), and when you finally grasp what you've been reaching for (even if just the tip of it!) it all somehow becomes worth it and you know you can go on. But it's certainly not easy.