About Me

My photo
It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

This Mess I Call Life

I realized last week that I am not completely healed from winter depression. I'm not completely healed because it's not completely gone. Can you call it winter depression when it follows you to spring and summer? I don't know. What I do know is, reaching the light at the end of one tunnel, doesn't mean there aren't more tunnels to follow. I really don't like tunnels. Life can be so tumultuous. So frustrating. So confusing and complex. I often wonder, what am I doing wrong? Why do I struggle with these things that others seem to just take in stride? 

I'll just admit it. I want life to be easy. Not because I am lazy so much, but because I often feel so tired and worn down. It's hard to face challenges head on when you don't feel like you even have strength to stand up. I'm just tired of being tired and drained. When does that miraculous "filling up" happen? Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped trying so hard. What if I stopped struggling, fighting, and trying so hard to make this whole thing click. And just live. Is that even possible?

Life is not always good. Paths not always straight. Purpose and goals not always clear. Few things make sense. Most things are just out of reach. But somehow, when life is good (even if just for a moment), when paths are straight (even if just for a stroll), when purpose and goals are clear (even if not all at once), when things makes sense (even if only to you), and when you finally grasp what you've been reaching for (even if just the tip of it!) it all somehow becomes worth it and you know you can go on. But it's certainly not easy.


Serenity said...

I'm impressed that you were able to write on your blog this week, with all the classes. Food for thought: do you think we can be content while unsatisfied? And can we be happy while not content? I'm in Columbia this weekend but I'll call you next week. Love you!

Faith said...

I think it's supposed to be possible when God fills the gaps. There have been times when I'd say yes with no doubt. I'm not sure how it works though. There is so much complexity to what's going on in my confused brain right now. Let's talk soon.