After much debating, agonizing, over-thinking, attempts to ignore, and procrastination, the decision has been made: back to school I go!
The back story:
I have spent the last few years knowing God has called me to pursue a nursing degree and worrying about the "when." I went back to school in '10, finished most of my pre-reqs then took a break again after Gabriel. Going back to school was one of the most invigorating, exciting, and exhausting experiences of my adult life. There is such a difference when you're an adult, know what you want, and realize what a privilege education is. It also made me really anxious. Not so much being in school, but the decision to go to school. I carried a lot of mom-guilt and worried endlessly if it was the "right time" (not so sure if that exists, and if it does, what it looks like). I'm a big "signs" person, I am always looking for signs to show me whether what I am doing is right or not. The tricky thing about signs is, you have to decide how you're going to interpret. For example, if something is difficult, does that mean it's not meant to be? Or that it's that much more worth it? I have often been torn between the two. When I finally made the decision to go back to school in '10 a lot went wrong. Silly little things I messed up on that would prevent me from signing up for time-sensitive classes. Somehow it all worked out. It was obvious God was at work. I took these all as good signs. Funny thing was, I had to take that initial step of faith before these signs (provisions) came to be.
The last couple months I found myself back at square one. Waiting for signs, worried to take that initial step. After years of anxiety I prayed this prayer: God, you put this on my heart. If it's not the right time then please just shut all doors. If you want me to continue pursuing this, PLEASE take away my anxiety! My prayer was simple and desperate. I went on with my days not expecting a clear cut answer, but hoping just the same. About 3 days later, school came up. I had a conversation with a friend, and afterwards continued to think on it. Suddenly I realized... wait, where is that feeling? The weight was gone. My anxiety no where to be found. It's been two months and I have yet to feel the anxiety that had been there for the last 3 years. Needless to say, I took it as a good sign.
Despite my lack of anxiety, I have not had the motivation I thought I would have the last couple of months. I have been busy, but also enjoying the warm weather, and wondering if I really want to get busier. I'm finally comfortable with the way things are, do I want them to change? Just as I was thinking I would put school off for another year, all these "signs" started pointing toward it again. It's pretty intimidating, there are a lot of holes to fill and no way of knowing how it's all going to work out. As hard as it is to explain, when you know, you know, and for the first time (in maybe forever) I feel completely confident that God is telling me to take the next step.
So here I am again. FAFSA, registration, classes, and all the little things that have to work out for those things to happen. Wish me luck!