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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Monday, March 19, 2012

"I'm lovin' it." - Old McDonald

I think I can officially say I am in remission! The scars from winter depression are still apparent, but as far as my current state of mental health, I think I am well on my way to recovery. I feel like I have learned so much, had my eyes and heart opened to so much, and have changed so much in the process. So many lies have been painfully stripped from the deepest parts of me. I have had to relearn what I believe. I have had to learn some things that I thought I knew for the very first time. Such a strange experience. As the days grow longer, the sun shines, and the grass begins to rapidly grow, I feel like I am waking up after months of a terrible nightmare. Life is still life. Many things are just as they were, but perspective and truth make all the difference.

Aaron's work is back full swing. I never thought I'd be able to say this again, but I think this year will be our busiest yet. I've been sick all week with Aaron gone all day, several nights, and all weekend. When he doesn't get a break, I don't get a break. Even if I am sick. This is our life and I have spent several years being pretty p-oed about it. But something is different this year. It's not that I don't get tired, or sad when I find out Aaron has to work Sunday (I've already accepted he will be working Saturdays for a long time), it's that I know it's what we have to do, and I know it's temporary. That was never good enough before. I felt we had this right to a "normal" life where Aaron works 9-5, is home every weekend, and where we actually have time and money for vacations and real hobbies. I felt it was my right and I was mad that life was not complying. See it's funny when we see the world (America included here) hurting, working day and night, doing all they can just to survive, and then just expect that if we work hard we deserve top paying jobs, shiny new SUVs, white picket fences, and vacations in the Bahamas. I am learning to praise God when we have much, praise God when we have little, and trust Him despite all inconsistency.

Being a mother has been very challenging here recently. Probably because it always is, but this is one of those times when I really feel it. Part of it is recovering from months of half-living. Part of it is having a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Trying to teach, feed, clothe, and entertain these two ages (one who requires continual interaction and lots of activity, the other who requires continual overseeing and choking prevention), plus do chores, shop, cook, and clean again? Not to mention night time duty. It feels like a full-time job on crack. I find myself looking back on the days when I was in school full-time and working three jobs and think, Ah those were the days of leisure. Aiden's new favorite thing to say when he doesn't like something is, "That's impossible!" while dramatically covering his face with his hands. Trust me, Aiden, I know the feeling. In many ways though, these new challenges are pushing me in a good way. I feel more alive than I have in a long time and I find myself actually trying again. That may sound like a silly thing to feel good about, but if you know what I'm talking about give me an 'amen', because it certainly feels good (even when you come so very short)! I've enjoyed walking to the park everyday with my boys, and waking up to a clean kitchen (most days anyway).

Besides the whole being sick thing, I have felt GREAT since going paleo. Like I said before, I am not 100% paleo, but I feel fantastic and it's the best I can do. This, my friends, is proof of how very terrible I have felt on a daily basis up until this point: I am sick (tonsillitis/strep) and I feel "normal" (sore throat aside) in terms of how I felt most days before I gave up grains (mostly gluten) and dairy. Lord, why did I wait so long to try it? I still get occasional headaches, but they don't seem quite so bad without the nausea, dizziness, and everything else. I am also a much pleasanter person. In fact, Aaron can tell over the phone if I've cheated on my diet. "What did you eat?" He asks when I'm being particularly snippy. To which I'll reply, "I'll do what I want!" Because ignorance is no longer a valid excuse when I eat the bad stuff that ruins my life and simply have to deal with it.

And this sums up my life right now.

1 comment:

Vanessa Washburn said...

I'm so excited that going gluten free (or gluten- lite) has helped you so much. What a blessing it must be to finally have relief from the troubles you body was giving you. And I'm so glad that God is calling you back into his light.