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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Me. My biggest fan, my harshest critic.

By the end of a day I sometimes wonder, why did I have to get stuck with me? It can take people years to decide to commit to another person, but in an instant it is decided for you that you will have to spend a lifetime with you. That's a big commitment. I mean, shouldn't we get some kind of choice in the matter? Normally, I think most people think they're pretty lucky to end up with what they got. There is always someone who ended up with worse. But then there are those days when you find yourself scanning facebook update after update, reading more useless information about people than you ever cared to know, just to avoid the inevitable. You.
Whether we love ourselves or hate ourselves we are constantly trying to prove ourselves. Through careers, clothes, relationships, it doesn't really matter as long as it ultimately reflects well upon the person we are. Or want to be. And I think most of us don't even really know what that is. Who we are. Who we want to be. I am not saying this is bad. Or good. Or new. It just is. We are a self-consumed, insecure little people, and we have an unquenchable desire to be affirmed by others. Although, I think more than anything we're just trying to convince ourselves. After all, if we can't convince ourselves we're worth being around, how can we convince anyone else? We tell ourselves we have this cover. Cool and collected. Confident. Little do we know our insecurities are screamed from our very own mouths. We put ourselves out there saying, "This is me! Take it or leave it!" But you better take it or I may punch you in the face cause I am worthwhile and you can't tell me otherwise! Please like me... 
I get so tired of myself that sometimes I try to reinvent myself. It doesn't take long for me to realize that I'm still the same me, just maybe with a different haircut. Honestly, if I could have a vacation from me, I think that might be the cure. If for one day I could look at the world without a big picture of me blocking most of the view, I might get a new perspective that could change a lot of things.
Ah, wishful thinking...

3 comments:

Caitlin said...

Oh, Faith. At least we all know we're not alone in wanting a break from ourselves. I feel that so much too. Especially when I miss out on something or do something stupid because, well, it's me. I try to change how I am, but it just doesn't happen. I suppose the answer would be to look at our new selves in Christ, and then we'll be happy with it--but that's much easier said than done.
Thank you for your comment on my blog, it really meant a lot. Enjoy that near-summer(ish) weather over there for me, okay? :)

Caitlin

Serenity said...

"Little do we know our insecurities are screamed from our very own mouths."
The thing that I always wonder is what are we screaming that we don't even know about? You know when you meet someone and think "What an arrogant prick!" and then you get to know them and they really are not arrogant at all, nor a prick. I always hope that since I really am arrogant I don't come across that way. Ha!

Vanessa Washburn said...

I love the "please like me" ... I do that in my head all the time. And usually it's the worst when I've stepped out and tried to be more bold or confident than I really am.
But looking back on life I definitely have changed so even if I don't see it in the day to day, there is hope.