I've found myself avoiding God's word. I've found myself stirring up plans. I've found myself waiting for life to begin again. I have looked forward to this down time for months, and now that it is here, I am a restless animal. Restless and uncomfortable. Sickness keeps Aiden and I from visiting friends. Snow and inadequate winter gear keep us from exploring the outdoors. Lack of money keeps us from any other activity. I feel like a tied up dog. This is not what I was made for! I clean my house like a mad woman, only for it to be a mess again by the next morning. I start projects I cannot finish. I resort to imagining artificial confrontation in my head in hopes of releasing pent up frustrations. Nothing seems to work. I say to myself, I will rest. I sit to read. Somehow the reading doesn't happen. The book is open and my eyes peeled, but nothing comes of it. How does one live in the moment, when the moment is so very boring?
Tonight after putting my grumpy, sick son to bed and watching a basketball game with my husband, I finally decided to open my Bible. I had no specific passage in mind. I read about Noah, Enoch, Abraham, Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah, and the building of God's temple. With stories like these that I have read so many times, I often find my mind moving on to the next before I am finished reading the first. But tonight something different stood out to me. God did not simply give these men a command and stand back and watch them succeed or fail. He gave them directions. Their tasks took many years, a lot of faith, hard work, and perseverance. But God gave them directions, and He never failed to follow through on His promises. Sometimes I am afraid to seek God. Not because I am scared He will fail me, but because I am afraid I will fail Him. Ironic, I know. The encouraging thing is that God does not seem to choose people based on their adequacy, but on His ability overcome our every weakness.
"In the curves of each face, the eyes of every soul, the movement of each body, your beauty is revealed. In each unique laughter and every piece of song, your beauty is sung. The humble mountain tops raise the trees who lift their arms, pointing towards the heart of God, refusing to hide your beauty. Never still, the waters shake, reflecting your vastness in the skies. Never hiding, always revealing. If only we would use our eyes for what they were made for. No more would we ask, where are you?"