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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Years Resolution

As the old year passes and the new year begins, I can't help but feel a little melancholy. There is so much hard work and hype that leads up to the holidays, once they come and go I can't help but think about what comes next. For the first time in years, I don't have much of a clue of what that might be and this has left me feeling a little restless. I like plans. Growing up my parents referred to our family as bamboo. Flexible, we could bend and not break. In other words, we were at the mercy of the wind, or God really. Plans were made, but usually changed at the last minute. I thought because I was flexible, plans did not matter to me. As I've grown older I have come to the realization that plans matter very much to me. I like to be in control. Or at least feel in control. I know plans change, but as long as I have a plan, I feel a little safer.

As last semester came to an end, I began to formulate plans. Plans for work, for school, being a better wife and mother, and finding a way to be more involved in ministry. Every time I worked out a plan for one part of my life, I saw where I would have to sacrifice in others. I suddenly realized I was very thirsty and rather tired from trying to conquer this little world of mine. So I began to pray. What do I need to do God? I didn't want a whisper or a nudge, I wanted God to shake me and scream the answer in my face so that there would be no denying His answer. Instead, I have received an incredibly simple yet stomach-wrenching and heart-throbbing answer. Seek me and let me lead.

I think I wanted a little more detail and direction, you know, a long-term goal so I could formulate a plan, but at the same time, I could not argue with what He gave me. And so I begin this new year with no plan but to seek God, and let him do the leading. Sounds simple enough, right?