As I sat here in quiet, eating left over chili, resting in the contentedness of a long week filled with loved ones, good food, coffee, and conversations, I found myself finally giving myself a moment to reflect. Last year this time I was writing and rewriting goals. Grasping for a plan or some bit of control. This year feels different. I barely noticed the new year come. Many things are much the same, and yet so much is different. I am different.
I know I'm getting older when things people said to me years ago (that I thought were just things people say) now make perfect sense. I feel stronger and weaker than ever before. Both broken and whole all in one. I feel aged, and yet I feel new. When oxymorons like these fit together like notes in a familiar song, you know life has had its toll on you. Each day that I find myself fearful, I force myself to recount God's provision. From yesterday to last year, and the year before, and the year before. Remembering the hopeless moments, the fearful days, and even weeks or months, and how He has always come through. Not making things perfect. Not answering every prayer as I liked or in the time frames I thought fit. And yet He has been faithful. Sometimes in a whisper. Sometimes in a storm.
My new years resolution? To keep my eyes on Christ, praying daily for Him to allow me to lay my life at His feet each moment (I cannot do it on my own!). No matter the goals, challenges, blessings, or hardships, I want it all to be for Him. Last year I learned many things, but mostly that the world is not consistant. God is. The world is not always good. God is. The world is not fulfilling. God is. He is so beyond politics, religion, careers, and social lives. I am tired of trying to squeeze God into my little life. I want to try a new approach. I can see now how He has been teaching me this all along. I am excited to keep learning. Step by step.