After a few days of recovering from the trauma of thinking my son was going to die, if not suffer from severe brain damage, I've found that life has pretty much returned to normal. Or mostly. I still have moments of terror when I cannot stop the images from replaying in my head. And tears still find their way to my eyes when I wake up in the night and it hits me how blessed I am to have Aiden in my life. I thought I might turn into an overly protective control freak, but luckily I don't feel any more protective than usual. Today, however, I caught myself making lists, both mentally and on paper. Being prepared is always something that has been important to me, but not necessarily followed through on. I didn't have Aiden's room set up till a few days before he was due. I didn't take a birthing class. I never wrote a birth plan, much less really have one (besides a mental plan to "go with the flow", which I don't think counts). I didn't take infant CPR until he was two (and apparently it has changed again already!). And despite all the helpful warnings and advice, I did not "toughen" my nipples before breastfeeding. I had good intentions to do all those things, but life threw a lot at me all at once and so staying above water was about all I could manage at the time. Well, here's the thing about life. Its like an ocean. Some days the waves are bigger and crash harder than others, but even during the calm, the waves don't stop. So we should probably be prepared for that. Now, I am not saying that we should even attempt to dream that we could possibly be prepared for anything and everything- that is where the beauty of trusting in a omnipotent God comes to the rescue. But perhaps the time has come for me to take being prepared a little more seriously.
Today I wrote a list of emergency numbers to put on the fridge and looked up visual emergency and CPR steps to print out and have handy. I realized that even though I knew in my head what I was supposed to do, putting it all in order and in action felt impossible when in shock. I'm hoping with pictures available, my body will have an easier time doing what my brain is telling it to. I am also looking into updated CPR classes for Aaron and I both to take. It was not very reassuring to know that if I had had to use CPR on Aiden I would not have been using the updated method. Next I made a list of things I want to get done before Gabriel is born. I've had a mental list, but writing it all out actually made it seem a whole lot more possible to get done. I wrote out my birth plan. I didn't think I would need to since I didn't with Aiden and everything went smoothly, but then I thought- what if it doesn't this time? I even wrote a list of what to pack for the hospital. With Aiden I didn't even pack a bag till I was in labor! Theres nothing like your child's life being in danger to convince you to be prepared. Preferably before the moment of crisis.