About Me

My photo
It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My Cocoon

"...I broke the twig from the limb and carried the cocoon home. For this was my cocoon. My darkness. My soul incubating within.
   Back home I carefully taped the twig with the cocoon to a branch of a crab tree in my backyard. [Later,] I stood at the window watching the cocoon, which hung in the winter air like an upside-sown question mark. Live the question, God whispered.
   Knowledge descended into my heart and I understood. Crisis, change, the myriad upheavals that blister the spirit and leave us groping- they aren't voices simply of pain but also of creativity. And if we would only listen, we might hear such times beckoning us to a season of waiting, to the place of fertile emptiness."
   - Sue Monk Kidd

I am a torn and selfish human being. Not that I am unique in this description. In fact, it's a big part of what causes me to blend in despite my individual characteristics. But it disturbs me no less. As I lay awake last night yet again and tried not to think, I thought a lot about a lot of things. Mostly me. God. My family. The future. The world as we know it. The world to come. The more I thought, the more I wondered what I was supposed to think. As I read through the book of John the answers I found brought up more questions, more confusion, more of a desire to know. Then I realized, I was sick of thinking and I was sick of asking. I just wanted to know. I get discouraged when I don't know, I feel as though I am doing something wrong, or not doing something right enough. I'm tired of the internal struggle, I want to hitch a ride on the escalator to the next life and bypass the hassle of the journey.  I'm an American damnit, I have my rights to the easy way! And this is where I had a little heart to heart with God. Why do I have to keep waking at 3:00 a.m for hours on end? Really, if you would let me sleep I could get up earlier and read the word then. Am I even getting anywhere with these hours of tired half-awareness? As I tried to convince God that the lack of sleep is really not doing anyone any good, I finally came to the conclusion that sleep was not going to come at all. Ever. Again. It was a useless fight, my choices were to sit there in misery, not accomplishing anything, or comply. Except I wasn't sure what it even meant to comply. I'm still not really. I have this vague sense like God is calling me. I keep trying to say, Speak Lord, for your servant is listening. But I can't tell if I am really saying it. Does that make sense?

I have been rather hypocritical. I speak of life and its hills and waves and how it's a journey, that some big climax and fairy tale endings are not to be expected. I say that, but then I find myself sitting around anxiously waiting for the climax in my life. I endlessly pine after the fairytale ending I secretly long for. The fact that I am not satisfied constantly haunts me. I try to forge feelings of deep spirituality and soul-quenching emotion, but the honest truth is.... funny how I thought I might be able to finish that sentence once I started it. The honest truth is, I'm still trying to figure out what the honest truth is. I used to rededicate my life to God every few months, thinking, or at least hoping, that with each dedication it would be a little more real or long-lasting. I kept waiting for the time when I would finally reach some epiphany that would drastically change my life forever, allowing me to never need another re-dedication because I had some how "made it" to the plateau of my Christian walk with God. I have long since given up this theory. Or so I thought. Sometimes it creeps back into my confused subconscious.

I keep waiting for some big, new, ground-breaking truth that forces me to change completely, and hopefully all at once. Instead I feel the painful agony of lies being revealed and then slowly chipped away from my innermost being. Lies I didn't even realize I still- or ever- believed. And so I find myself relating to words and passages that hint at questions my mouth doesn't know how to express. I can taste it there at the tip of my tongue, all that I long for but can not yet attain. And then it hits me for a split second or two. This is all part of the inescapable journey. Not signs that I am failing, but that God is answering my heart's call to be changed.


Caitlin said...

Faith, you can not have know how much this post would speak to me, how much this has been the cry of my own heart for months, even years really. I always just want to know, cry out 'just tell me, Lord! Waiting on the Lord to put me where he'll ultimately use me, to let my life really begin. I still struggle with it everyday, but I think you and I have come to the same conclusion. That the more we want and yearn after that knowledge--that safety in knowing the answers, the more we focus on what we don't know--the more we miss out on what God actually is revealing to us. Your last sentence is so beautifully true--and what you said, seems to me, the honest truth.
Thank you for sharing.

Breka said...

Oh Faith, I'm so glad I've been getting a chance to read so many of your thoughts lately. It is funny, the way we're so ready to be excited about life being a journey - but really still want it to follow a plot line with a happy ending.