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It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.

I hate feeling like every piece of writing has to end with a positive note. I hate feeling like I should have the answer by the end of a difficult day. Sometimes you just feel like crap and don't know why. Sometimes you do know why, but feel as though you shouldn't. I very much relate to the author of Ecclesiastes today. Sometimes it all feels meaningless. I'm a little sick of coming back to this place time and again. I get caught up in finding answers, then trying to apply them to my life. I want to fix everything and move on to bigger and better things. It's rather unrealistic when I take a moment to really think it all through. Oh Lord, if I only knew how to rest in you at this moment. I used to imagine myself (ok I still do) in the arms of God resting my head on his chest like a lover. The picture would always zoom out to reveal Him holding me the way a mother holds her baby; effortlessly, my entire body fitting in his arms. I feel like I can rest there. But I am not there today. I am on a dirt path, my nails caked with muddy clay, scooting along on my rear with no energy to stand. I am a mess and there is nothing to hide it. I don't feel lost, just lonely and tired and rather ugly too. I cannot cling to my goals and dreams of the future as I normally would, after all, they are meaningless. So I sit in the ugliness of this place and hope that God reveals himself even through the muck.

"Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
   what he has made crooked?
When times are good, be happy;
   but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
   as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
   anything about his future."
 "Much dreaming and many 
words are meaningless. Therefore stand
in awe of God."

1 comment:

Breka said...

Sometimes, those times happen. And sometimes, the only thing to do is sit in the ugliness. But it won't always be ugly. Love you.