I know this is the time of year when everything is supposed to be cheery and cozy and just all-round festive, but I'm just not there. It's hard to get into the holiday spirit when I feel like I didn't even really get to experience summer this year--the only time I really feel alive! What a shame to waste the most precious months of the year on hopeless moments full of fear and shame. Not that there is anything I can do about it now, but it does does feel awful to know it's winter again when I hardly got to experience summer. And so here I am again, feeling cold and slightly numb, all energy exerted just to get through the bare minimum.
I do thank God everyday that I am not where I was, and try my best to convince myself this won't last forever. I think I wanted to think that I've been through the worst of it and that from here on out it will all seem much easier. It's just not so.
I no longer feel like God does not exist, I just don't feel there. I pick up my Bible to read, and quickly set it back down. Ugh, I think to myself. I can't handle these stories again. I don't know how to read this and not be frustrated. And then I wonder what's wrong with me. How do some people pick it up and feel uplifted and hopeful, and I pick it up and feel discouraged? Whereas before I felt like God could handle me, now I am worried He might lose patience. I'm worried a lot of people will lose patience.
The switch has flipped. Yet again. I am struggling to keep my head above water, and though it's not as bad, how do I know it won't get there again? Is this destined to be my life forever? Will the cycle ever end? These are the questions that probe my brain beneath all other thoughts that swarm there. I wish there was an off button for my brain.