Some days I want to give up. Some days those days are scary. Some days just frustrating. Some days both. Most days I am lonely and bored, even though I am around family and have plenty to keep me busy. I fill spaces with social media and take lots of pictures because my kids are so freakin' cute and I know I'll appreciate it later. Instagram is basically my family photo album. I'm in love with it. But I also feel empty, restless, and some times on the brink of something more. Something frightening. Some days I say, GO AWAY. And it works. Sort of. Other days I let myself sink a little. Because it's a place I've grown to know, and it's familiar. Scary. But familiar. I feel displaced and alone. I get sad when my computer does something funky and has no sound so I can't watch Lost. Logically I think, It's not a big deal. Stop your whining. Sad about TV? Are you three? But I get lost in Lost, and it makes me forget things I like not remembering.
I have long since disconnected with friends I have been so very close with. How long has it been? Two months? Three? Since we've really talked or communicated in any way but email/facebook or just in passing. Facebook is tricky in that it makes you feel like you're connected. I want coffee and a friend. I want coffee and ten friends, that I love and miss and want close again. But I also want to keep my distance. Protect myself. It's easier to move on that way. But how can you move on when you are in transition? Is this what purgatory would be like? Please rub your holy beads and get me out of here! Sometimes I think I am impatient. Other times I think, Girl give yourself a big fat break. You've been here a long time, and it hurts. Pain is not a fun companion. I want to kick pain in the balls. I feel no remorse. And yet pain is so often my companion. Walking steadily beside me. Sometimes holding my hand. Leading me down, down, down. Places I don't want to go.
I have to tell myself to focus. Focus on the fact that we are at least half way moved. That Aaron has a job and is almost done with the business transition. We have a house come September. A place to stay in the mean time. But there is that voice that says, Change won't change anything. This is who you will always be. This is how you will always feel. FIGHT! I tell myself. I gave up awhile ago. I don't want to do it again. But fighting is so tiring. And I'm sleepy.