I have been a little quiet here recently. It's hard to write publicly when you feel so vulnerable.
You know those times when you think, Wow. This is what it feels like to be humbled. And you think, Thank you for humbling me, God. Please don't do it again. But then you continue your never ending plea, Change me!
And He does.
Humility is good. Change is good. You know these things and yet it doesn't change the fact that being humbled hurts. Changing sucks.
In order to be humbled you must see yourself for who you are. I don't know about you, but for me that isn't usually a very pleasant experience. In order to change, all you know--the "comfortable", the "reliable"--all seems to be ripped away. Replaced by something foreign. Something you can't always grasp right away. It hurts.
Know that if you ask God to change you. To humble you. He will.
When you say, I can't do this on my own! I won't change if it's up to me! You do it!
And it won't be pretty.
I am in pain. Every ounce of me hurts. I feel torn. It feels unnatural. There should be medication for this kind of torture. I am anxious. Angry. Often times depressed. Occasionally on the brink of hopelessness.
And then I see it. A glimpse of what is being taught. What is being changed. Lies that are being ripped away. Truth that is replacing it.
I constantly question God. I doubt and pray for trust. I used to feel guilty for this. Parts of me still do. But those are some of the lies that are being stripped away. Is God not strong enough to handle my doubt? Not strong enough to teach me to trust? As though Him teaching me is second rate compared to me learning it on my own (as if that's an option or even makes sense!). That is what the enemy would have us believe. That it is up to us. That it is our job to learn to trust. Our job to trust and never doubt.
I cry out to God, Why is this so hard?? There must be an easier way! But what I am really saying is, I feel weak this way. I don't want to feel weak. Incapable. Helpless. I don't want to feel what I am.
And He says, Trust me.
And I say, But it's so hard to let go! I can't be a good person this way! I can't be a good mother! A good wife! Friend, sister, daughter... I am no good this way!
And He reminds me, I am good.
He reminds me that He didn't call me to be a "good person". A "good mother". A "good wife". Or anything else. He called me to follow Him. The decision that at the time I thought was the easiest I ever made.
Don't you say your burden is easy, your yoke is light? I question. So why is this so flippin' hard??
And then I realize what's so hard. Not so much what He's asking of me. But letting go of what I ask of me. What the world asks of me. I always ask God to change me. Change me against my will! Because I know my will is not really to be changed. But I never realized how ridiculously tight I've been holding onto the world. To lies. My sweet and even in-the-name-of-God lies.
In all He speaks to me, the words that resound each time I want to give up, are: Trust me.
And I realize that that is exactly what He is teaching me to do.