New Blog

My brother made a good point. I need to blog. Maybe it's narcissism, maybe it's the need to communicate and connect, maybe it's a little of each. But, I also need a change. I've started a new chapter in life and feel the need to start fresh again--and there is no way I'm keeping up with more than one blog! So, if you would like to follow, my new blog is: doinglifewrong.blogspot.com 

Priorities and Blogging

Life with two kids plus school can get quite busy. Hence the reason I have not been writing much. Also, I quit facebook (it was way more of a distraction than I'd like to admit!) and not being connected to people via the internet has made me much less inclined to share here.

I have been loving school. This college is definitely more challenging than any I have attended in the past, but it's a productive challenge. I feel pushed to really learn, understand, and implement--not just memorize. My professors are kind, supportive, and seem to really want their students to succeed. They are hard working and committed, setting the tone for their students. There are so many schools I could have ended up at, I am so thankful God brought me to this particular program. (They should totally pay me to advertise, right?)

My main challenges so far have been time management. It's hard to fit in all the studying I have to do into the few time slots I have without my kids. Plus I need (and really want) quality time with my husband. Plus I am finally developing some great friendships here and those take time as well. It's hard to prioritize. It's hard having to say to my kids, "This is your time to play on your own, mommy has to study." When I really want to play with them. It's hard to lock myself in my office when all I want to do is curl up on the couch with my husband. It's hard to say no when I am invited to girls night because I have to study. My relationships are all so important to me--to say no feels so wrong! My biggest challenge is not just sticking to my priorities, but figuring out what my priorities are. One day I'll figure out a solid routine that works... right?

This brings me to blogging... I really wanted to continue blogging through school. I actually wanted to start a whole new blog devoted purely to being in school as a woman with a family. But lately I've been doubting my ability to even write something worth reading. Apparently I need affirmation. It's true. I'm one of those people. You don't comment on my post, or I don't get any new readers and I start to feel like blogging is pointless. I've shared a lot of really personal stuff here and gotten a little more deep than funny, and have lost a lot of feedback it seems. Knowing people read, care, relate (and maybe laugh)--that is the only thing that makes blogging worthwhile.

So I'm going to be that person and ask you, my readers, for your opinion. Start that new blog? Or just continue to slowly taper this one out and be done for awhile?

The Good Things

Right now I am sitting in my newly set up office thanks to my husband who stayed up late after I went to bed last night. I'm not gonna lie, I went to sleep in a foul mood because I didn't feel prepared for a test and was taking it out on Aaron. Instead of stomping off to bed (like I did), knowing I'd be up before dawn to study, he created a perfectly cozy study space for me to wake up to. That's love ya'll. I think I got twice as much work done thanks to him.

My life these days is both busy and full. I wake at 5 a.m. each morning, and still can't seem to get done all the things I set out to do. I have identified my time-wasters and now I am setting out to eliminate them. Trying to. Baby steps. With out those, I think I could easily get everything done in a somewhat leisurely matter as my schedule isn't too hectic this semester. I like to think that anyway.

I began taking an anti-depressant in December, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Why, oh why didn't my last psychiatrist suggest this?? I feel like ME for the first time in over a year! If you have been struggling with depression and are afraid to try an anti-depressant, just do it. At the very worst you can stop taking it, but if it works, it works! I am taking the generic form of Celexa and it's only $4 at the Wal-Mart pharmacy (in case you are uninsured like me). It's not with out its side effects... I am not loving the extra few pounds, and I have to remember to take it at night because it makes me tired and yawn incessantly, but besides that I haven't noticed any other negative side effects. I just feel good. Normal. Me. I forgot what that felt like. It's a good feeling. I share this only because I want to be honest about what works for me and what doesn't so as not to give anyone the impression that my depression just up and disappeared. It's been a long journey. I am glad that for now I can focus on other things. 

Like my kids! 

I have been enjoying my kids like never before. Which is a good thing too, because this is a tough stage! Four and a half and 20 month olds are a rough combination! They both want attention--and lots of attention. But the nice thing is that now I don't mind giving it to them. I love building legos with Aiden, or discussing my anatomy and physiology home work with him (which is a great motivator to really learn the stuff). I love being led around by Gabriel, having him point out things and listening to him try so hard to say new words. I have to listen to intonation more than anything (recently he has decided that "NO!" means no, and "Noooo?" means yes). I love watching them play together. Although that's prime time to study, I sometimes can't help but sit there and watch them interact. I feel like I missed the whole last year of their lives. I was there, but not really, you know? It's good to be back. Even when they are screaming and fighting and yelling and throwing fits like no other, I wouldn't trade it. 

I am struggling with a few things, but I haven't really been able to decipher what they are exactly. I allow myself to ponder them, but not dwell on them. I'll figure it out one of these days, but for now I'm happy enjoying actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning, spending time with my husband and kids, getting to know new friends, and of course, coffee.

Life, Beauty, and Thoughts

Life feels so GOOD right now. Not because everything is good, but because God's hand in our lives is so evident. Who would have thought I'd be saying this so soon? I didn't.

As God has been revealing each day things of the last few years that have now brought us to where we are (both in life and understanding) I can't help but cast my fears and doubts at His feet. The coolest thing is not feeling shame or guilt that I am both relearning and learning for the first time things that seem so simple. Not feeling dumb for there still being SO much I don't understand. I realized something. The periods of confusion, fear, pain, hardship, they have all played their part in bringing me to where I am today. I know that's easy to say, but the truth is, you can't always mean it--but right now, I do. Right now is a season of letting go of regret, giving up the wheel, and taking in the journey itself. It's not all easy, but it is beautiful.

You see, I've spent the majority of my life claiming to live for God. Working so hard to make myself worthy. There were (and still are) so many things I had wrong. And that's ok. I am only just now seeing how God has been and continues to answer my prayer of eight years ago. Eight years! And guess what? It's freaking awesome. That's a long time to wait, but I'm realizing that God really is a big God. He will teach us for a life time and we'll still only just grasp the surface of who He is. This life isn't about conquering God and then moving on to something else, we were put here to know Him.

Last week I stopped myself in the middle of a worrying thought, and it hit me...If I am really living for God, would I spend so much time and energy fretting about my plans not working out? Something to think about.

New Year

As I sat here in quiet, eating left over chili, resting in the contentedness of a long week filled with loved ones, good food, coffee, and conversations, I found myself finally giving myself a moment to reflect. Last year this time I was writing and rewriting goals. Grasping for a plan or some bit of control. This year feels different. I barely noticed the new year come. Many things are much the same, and yet so much is different. I am different.

I know I'm getting older when things people said to me years ago (that I thought were just things people say) now make perfect sense. I feel stronger and weaker than ever before. Both broken and whole all in one. I feel aged, and yet I feel new. When oxymorons like these fit together like notes in a familiar song, you know life has had its toll on you. Each day that I find myself fearful, I force myself to recount God's provision. From yesterday to last year, and the year before, and the year before. Remembering the hopeless moments, the fearful days, and even weeks or months, and how He has always come through. Not making things perfect. Not answering every prayer as I liked or in the time frames I thought fit. And yet He has been faithful. Sometimes in a whisper. Sometimes in a storm.

My new years resolution? To keep my eyes on Christ, praying daily for Him to allow me to lay my life at His feet each moment (I cannot do it on my own!). No matter the goals, challenges, blessings, or hardships, I want it all to be for Him. Last year I learned many things, but mostly that the world is not consistant. God is. The world is not always good. God is. The world is not fulfilling. God is. He is so beyond politics, religion, careers, and social lives. I am tired of trying to squeeze God into my little life. I want to try a new approach. I can see now how He has been teaching me this all along. I am excited to keep learning. Step by step.

Happy 2013!

Next Step

There are times when I think that some things will never come to pass. That I will be destined to chase dreams that never become realities. To forever reach and fall short. The truth is, dreams don't often feel like dreams once they come to be. I have this idea that one day we'll live some exotic life on the mission field--but I've been there. There were great adventures and I have some awesome memories and I would never trade it, but at the time, it was just life. I used to dream of having four children, adopting several more, and being this graceful, loving mother. I'm only up to two kids, and although I love them more than anything, I'm rarely graceful.

Life in the moment can feel like such chaos, it's tempting to think it isn't leading anywhere. But then things happen that force you to look back, and suddenly it all fits together. Life takes time. It's messy. It's hard. Sometimes it all blurs together. So when you get the opportunity to really see a step being taken--something you've dreamed about--take it in!

Yesterday I got a phone call... I was accepted into the pre-nursing program for Spring 2013! I am not only freakishly happy, but pretty incredibly shocked as well. Because I didn't even know I would be living here, I ended up applying 5 months after the deadline. It was a long shot, but I figured I'd go for it anyway. Apparently a spot opened up at the last minute and--wa lah! Here I was thinking I would have to wait until March to hear if I got into the fall Nursing program, and now as long as I keep my gpa up during pre-nursing classes I should have a spot come fall! I think this would feel good no matter what, but because of how long I have been working and patiently (haha) waiting for this for what feels like forever, it feels pretty incredible to know it's finally happening. So here it is. The next step God has laid out for me. He is faithful.

Next year this time I may be whining about finals, but for now, I'm going to revel in this. It's gonna be a good day. :)

Still Moving: Albeit Slowly

The last time I had consistant insomnia was two years ago this time. Pregnant and overwhelmed with our challenges along with the grief of the world. This year I am less overwhelmed with the grief of the world only because my own challenges have consumed me that much more. I don't have much left over for the world. I am hoping when all of this is over (if it's ever over) I will come to some sort of balance.

Sometimes I think the reason I have always been so consumed with the world was as a result of pleasant ignorance of the severity of my own issues and life challenges. It's a painful shift to move from being one who thinks she can save, to being one who so desperately needs saving. I don't wish to go back in the least, I simply wish I could move forward a little faster. This is a lonely and frightening place to be.

It's not that I don't trust God to provide and it's not that I'm unaccustomed to discomfort. I have been in so many desperate situations! There have been many times when we didn't know where our next meal would come from, lived in what most Americans would consider "unsuitable living conditions," and dealt with countless uncertainties, yet God has always provided. For every person who has used or cheated us, others have inexcusably blessed us. Honestly, I have felt more blessed than I deserve for the most part. I have lived around too many people with less to see what we've been through as any real "suffering." It's just that I am so tired. I feel like even if it were easy it would be hard. And it's not easy.

It's painful and isolating when people can't understand your struggles. When they can't cheer you up with quotes and light hearted jokes, you somehow feel like you've disappointed them. They compare your struggles with things that you can't help but see as trivial. They give the impression they think you've given up too easily. But what they don't know is how long you've been fighting. And that whether or not it looks like it, you still are. Even the young grow weary and faint.

Even in moments when I know these trials will not last forever, when I know God is sovereign, there are times when I choose to be angry--regardless of promises kept, or not yet answered. Angry that I am not who I thought I was. Angry what God allows. And some days it's easier to lay paralyzed in my fear and anger than to hope that truth will set me free. To hope that one day joy will reign again, dispersing any desires to push away those I love. That one day I will wake up, not wishing I didn't have to.

I Am Not My Own

Sometimes all I need is a whisper. An acknowledgment that my cries have been heard. A confirmation that God is still in control, even when I am reeling out of control--especially then. The other day I finally sat down and prayed. Or more like begged. Just to feel God near, to know He had not abandoned me to the clutches of darkness. Like a healthy person, I fell asleep that night watching some awful but captivating show that allowed me to keep my mind off my own issues. When I awoke later that night, there was peace. I can't explain it, but there is no mistaking it. I haven't felt that feeling in over a month. Peace. The peace has remained with me in and out of the chaos of each day, and it is the only reason I am able to function.

I don't understand God. I know the world is broken and full of sin and that life here will never be easy, but I also know God's power. I've seen it. When I find myself unable to trust, it's not because I think God is unable, it's because I am afraid He is unwilling. It's hard to trust someone who allows you so much pain, when you know He is capable of taking it all away. Yet, He calls us to trust regardless. And that's the thing about God, you can't pick and choose what you want from Him, He is all or nothing. When you commit your life to Him, you have to trust Him, even when you don't want to or feel unable to. It's a frightening thing to place your life, your love, and your dreams in someone else's hands. Even the hands of your creator.

I constantly feel like I am starting each day at ground zero. I am drained by my failings and feel like I am always having to relearn things. However when I look back on my life, reflect on memories, and read old journals, I see a richness there that is consistant with one thing. God. You see, the thing I forget more often than not is that my life is not my own. That one little perspective changes things tremendously. Suddenly instead of magnifying my failures and weaknesses, I am in awe with the fact that despite those things, God has made me one of His own. He has claimed my life for so much more than my own glory. I understand that none of that sounds very great from a worldly perspective. But if you have seen even an ounce of God's power, even a hint of His love--it's the most incredible thing you could hope for.

Another Day

Forrest Gump's mom had it right. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. One might be filled with rich soft chocolate, the next filled with salty carmel or some weird tasting experiment someone decided to make. But you don't complain, right? Because it's a gift, and you reach for another hoping it will be delicious enough to make the nasty ones worth it. It's not a perfect analogy, but I think we've come to the conclusion that imperfection is a significant part of life.

Today, to my surprise, I woke early. After straightening up I had a blissful 5 minutes on the couch, in a clean room, with a cup of coffee in complete silence. I haven't had 5 minutes in a quiet or clean room in much too long. And yes, it was worth getting up before 6:00 a.m. to get. As it turns out, five minutes was all I needed to realize a few things. I realized that I have been doing a lot of regretting lately. A lot of wishing I had done certain things in the past to make my present a little easier. I've been feeling pretty useless, irrelevant, and unworthy. It's hard to face the day when you feel like you don't deserve it.

Regret is such a cliche. Everyone knows you shouldn't bother with it, but when it comes down to it, we all have to face a little regret. The real challenge is, do you succumb to it's debilitating nature? Or decide to let it go and move forward? And it's a constant challenge. Just because we make the right decision now doesn't mean we'll make the right decision tomorrow. Regardless, for this moment I can hold on to the fact that I can choose to make the right decision today. And tomorrow? As Scarlett O'Hara always says, tomorrow is another day.



Jesus said, "You're tied down to the mundane; I'm in touch with what is beyond your horizons. You live in terms of what you see and touch. I'm living on other terms. I told you that you were missing God in all this. You're at a dead-end. If you won't believe I am who I say I am, you're at the dead-end of sins. You're missing God in your lives." John 8:23-24 The Message

Running Dry

In the face of deepest darkness is when you truly realize you are no super hero. There was a time when I felt capable of so much. I wonder now, was that the real me? Or was life just simpler then? Will I ever feel like that again? Or have I reached the point of no return?

I'm finding I'm rather jealous of people who truly believe they have things figured out. Even when they know they don't, they know they do. You know those people? I used to be kind of like that, and as annoying as those people may be sometimes, wouldn't that be nice? Feeling like you've got this? Whatever this may be. We've broken out our turbos, but now even those are running dry.

I don't need to know God's plans. I just need to know He's got this. I need to know it. I need to feel Him near.

Sometimes. Somehows.

Sometimes life takes turns you should probably expect, but in no way want. Sometimes it throws you up high, landing on your feet when you're lucky, while other times falling smack on your face. Both are kind of painful, but we know which is worse. I have fallen on my face a lot this year. I'm pretty banged up. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder when all those scrapes, cuts, and bruises with finally heal. And wonder what scars will be left behind. Somedays I don't care how ugly I'll be, I just want to stop hurting. Other days I can somehow still see beauty and am thankful for the gain despite the loss.

Last week my husband lost his job. Although he was promised work through the winter when he was hired, his boss let him know he could not afford to keep him on through the winter after all. Happy Thanksgiving! Needless to say, we haven't had a very good week. Although financial difficulties by no means cause my depression, they certainly do not help. It's not that I don't know these things happen, it's not that I don't expect these things to happen to us, it's that I'm just so tired. I wonder if we'll ever not be scraping by, stressed out, and worried. I wonder if we'll ever stop hitting rock bottom. Because we've been there plenty. To top it all off, when I went to register for spring classes, everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong, none of which was my fault, and I couldn't register. Not a big deal in comparison (unless I don't get into the classes because of it--then it's kind of a big deal), but discouraging nonetheless.

Thankfully today took a turn for the better. Our landlord needed tree work which almost equals out to our rent AND Aaron got a call back from a job interview and things look good. We're not sure what the pay will be and I'm looking into work options as well, but at least its something. Something good. It always seems to be when we want to give up, something works out to keep us moving forward. Story of our lives. Also, turns out the guys who got to keep their jobs only got 9 hours of work this week. So, I guess we'd be looking for jobs anyway.

In the Desert

I really hate getting on facebook or reading people's blogs and seeing all the fun things they are doing when I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning, much less plan a fun (and equally free) activity with my kids. Even when I get ideas, making them happen just... doesn't happen.

This week I've been wanting to ask God, Have you brought me out of Egypt only to let me die in the desert? But I don't ask, because I can't talk to him. I think, how is it fair that something can come between me and the Almighty God? Supposedly that's not possible, but depression sure makes it feel that way. All those little quotes and pictures that talk about how when we feel abandoned by God he is actually carrying us? Those just annoy me, because if God is all omnipotent and loving and carrying me through the desert, why can't He break through the walls of darkness and let me know he is there? How are you supposed to trust someone who disappears when you need him most and then comes for the credit when you're all happy again and don't need that much convincing anyway?

I probably sound much more angry than I am. Some days I am angry. Today is actually a better day. I know some day it's all supposed to make sense and I'm supposed to trust now despite all doubt... but what about when I can't? Depression literally takes trust completely out of the picture. I can honestly say I am not me when depression takes over.

Sometimes I think I would rather be dying from a terminal illness than living with depression.

A Little Thanks

Sometimes I feel like we just can't catch a break. Life keeps handing us things I just don't feel ready to handle. Today handed us one more of those things. *sigh* GOD, you created me. You gave me life. Be my strength to live it.

Instead of giving into the overwhelming fear and doubt that consumes me during these challenging times, I'm going to jump on board with the Thanksgiving spirit (even if I don't feel it) and share a few things that I am thankful for...

Life. I am thankful that I want to live. Even though it's hard. That even when things seem to take so long, I am moving forward and learning so much on the way. That my life does not end here, in this broken, painful world. That my home is securely planted in an eternal kingdom.

My husband. Sharing this life with me. Holding my hand and filling my heart with hope when I want to give in to heartache. Loving me more than I could possibly deserve. I'm thankful we met so young--I wouldn't want to miss a moment we've spent together.

My kids. Oh children, my crazy, crazy children. I am thankful I can take no credit for their unique and inspiring personalities. I am thankful for all they teach me about life, love, and adventure. How to appreciate chaos and peace. The importance of lazy days, time outs, eating, and walks. I am thankful I get to teach them how to roll down hills, share with friends, climb trees, and cook a pretend meal with empty pots and paint brushes.

Hot yoga. I am thankful for hot, sweaty rooms in which I can think only about breathing, balancing, stretching, and relaxing. Those 45 minutes of reprieve from cold weather and thoughts of things I can't control.

And sushi. I am thankful for sushi. Enough said.

Happy Holidays?

I know this is the time of year when everything is supposed to be cheery and cozy and just all-round festive, but I'm just not there. It's hard to get into the holiday spirit when I feel like I didn't even really get to experience summer this year--the only time I really feel alive! What a shame to waste the most precious months of the year on hopeless moments full of fear and shame. Not that there is anything I can do about it now, but it does does feel awful to know it's winter again when I hardly got to experience summer. And so here I am again, feeling cold and slightly numb, all energy exerted just to get through the bare minimum.

I do thank God everyday that I am not where I was, and try my best to convince myself this won't last forever. I think I wanted to think that I've been through the worst of it and that from here on out it will all seem much easier. It's just not so.

I no longer feel like God does not exist, I just don't feel there. I pick up my Bible to read, and quickly set it back down. Ugh, I think to myself. I can't handle these stories again. I don't know how to read this and not be frustrated. And then I wonder what's wrong with me. How do some people pick it up and feel uplifted and hopeful, and I pick it up and feel discouraged? Whereas before I felt like God could handle me, now I am worried He might lose patience. I'm worried a lot of people will lose patience.

The switch has flipped. Yet again. I am struggling to keep my head above water, and though it's not as bad, how do I know it won't get there again? Is this destined to be my life forever? Will the cycle ever end? These are the questions that probe my brain beneath all other thoughts that swarm there. I wish there was an off button for my brain.

Quiet

Do you ever find yourself waking up each morning dreading the day before you? Good or bad, it all requires energy. Something that seems to come to me only in small increments. Maybe it's depression, maybe it's being a parent of young children, maybe it's being human. Diagnosing the cause doesn't make it any easier.

I used to be so judgmental of parents of young kids. I thought they complained too much. Some of the things they said about their kids and their life sounded so negative, I thought, Why did you even have kids! Besides I worked hard, and I was tired, but I was ok. YEAH, Faith! You were 20, too! Three measly part-time jobs and full time school (and 3 meals a day cooked and cleaned up for you!) don't have jack on raising kids! I could slap her skinny 20 year old face. Stupid, stupid, naive little girl.

The thing about being a parent--is a lot of things. Life outside your own doesn't stop just because your focus has changed. You may be consumed with the lives of your children, but now even more bills need to be paid, your relationship with your spouse requires even more diligence, and you'll find that if you do not keep up with friends they will leave you, and if you do not take care of yourself, you will hate you.

I used to view quiet times as moments of duty--to prove my devotion to God. Now I can see they are there for me. Although, my moments of quiet are usually the minutes between when the kids go to bed and I fall asleep on the couch. When I have rare moments of quiet in the day I busy them with chores long left undone or relief of stressful thoughts through social media. I find I seek God in moments of chaos. When things are so crazy I think I might crash. Or scream. Or run.

Forget being a parent, I think as an adult it's easy to forget that the end all is not in us. Because others rely on us, we think we should be able to provide it all. But we do not hold the answers and solutions we think we should. Moments of quiet may be longed for, but they also frighten me. As moments of quiet often welcome thoughts of fear, worry, and stress. But if I don't allow myself to admit they are there, how am I to release them to God?

Broken: America As We Know It

There's been a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth with the election this year. Mostly I hear claims that America is over as we know it, that this great country is doomed to damnation, and that all that made this country good and worthy to be called America will now cease to exist.

I just have a question. This "America" they are speaking of, this country that is spoken of with such reverence and such mourning, when did it exist?

Was it when it stole the land from the natives and sent them to their death?

Or when it claimed slaves for itself based on skin color and heritage?

Or was it when you had to be a white man to have rights?

Or was it during times of war?

Or in any other period in there where this perfect America that we are now losing must have existed?

When and where is this America?

All I'm saying is, we are broken. This nation is broken. This world is broken. To think it ever has been or ever will be anything but broken is simply an illusion.

Put your hope not in man and his promises, but in Christ Jesus and His kingdom.

Loving the Sin, Hating the Sinner

One thing I am really good at is looking at other people's lives and seeing what they are doing wrong and how they could be doing better. I can do the same in my life, in fact I do, but the problem is: life. It's so complicated and there are so many factors, limitations, and excuses. It's so easy when you are not actually wearing the shoes to think you'd know just how to walk in them. Somewhere along the way I think the Church misunderstood its calling. Somewhere along the way we decided it was our place to pass judgment. Not just looking at the world and saying this is right or wrong, but looking at lives and deciding whether they are deserving of God's love or not. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who don't feel comfortable going to Church because they are afraid they will be judged for their life choices. Why? Because they are judged! Somehow the Church has changed from a place welcoming of sinners to a place only for those who sin acceptably. Suddenly God's love isn't a gift given to the undeserving, but a prize attained only by those who can fake being good enough. We aren't hating the sin and loving the sinner, we are hiding the sin and judging those who don't. And THAT, is not right.

In a way, I was raised to be a judge. Look at the world and then compartmentalize everything into two boxes labeled "right" and "wrong" which are also known as "good" and "bad." This is how I have navigated myself through the world, deciding what I should or shouldn't do, who I should associate with, and how I should view them. In doing this I have heaped a whole lot of pain on others and reaped a whole lot for myself as well. Because the one I judge harshest is, of course, me. As I get older the world seems to get so much more complex. Suddenly things don't fit into my black and white boxes and all these gray ones appear and start filling up. Suddenly the judgements I've been using as glasses, robes, and shoes, don't fit right anymore. Suddenly I realize I've just been playing dress up. My gavel nothing more than a plank in my own eye. When I thought I was waving my fist in righteousness, I was actually just slapping the faces of those around me. Because I am not the judge, and I was never called to be one.

Steps

I never would have admitted it, but I am definitely a five-year-planner. I LOVE knowing where I am headed, even if my plans don't go as planned, I like to plan and feel like I have some kind of control. I like to say things like, I am doing this right now so that this and this and this can happen and bring me here. Over the last few years God has been teaching me to focus on steps instead of goals. It sounds silly and maybe even wrong. Of course we should focus on goals, right? So that we can take the right steps? But when the goal is in God's hands, not mine, He has taught me that simply taking the steps He lays out before me is a much wiser plan. When I focus on the goal I tend to make up my mind about what the steps should look like. I worry incessantly about taking the wrong steps, about diversions and set backs, and most of all about provisions. Instead of laying my life before Jesus, my prayers are more like, "Hey you! I've got these plans I'm working on and things keep going wrong! Why can't you just change everything and make it work out smoothly for my plans, huh? Do you even really care about me? What about MY PLANS?! My plans.. my plans... my preciousssss..."

Yeah, it get's down right annoying. And creepy.

As I finish the final details of my application for Nursing school, I can't help but feel amazed. Am I finally here? It's been over 3 years since I started pursuing this degree and I am only just applying for the program! Of course, it's not that time has been wasted. Life has been lived, mountains climbed, babies born, hearts changed, moves made. No, time has not been wasted at all, and it's flown by so furiously fast that I sit here almost 4 years later thinking, Am I finally here?

"Here" is really not anywhere but a continuation of this journey I call life. I still don't even know if I'll get in the program or when I'll start it, or what will happen after that. And yet to be sending in my application is a point I have been waiting for... for a very long while. I like to look back to the time when the thought first seriously planted itself in my mind. How full of doubt and fear I was. The things I thought, like how I wouldn't be smart enough, would be a bad mom, wouldn't be able to afford it, or that it just wouldn't work out because I wanted it to. God has used the last few years to transform this goal from a lofty dream, to a calling, to a part of a much bigger picture. So I worry less about whether I'll be good enough as a student, a nurse, a wife, or a mother, and I focus more on the joy God has put in my heart as I learn more about Him and continue to take the steps He has laid out for me.

At the end of the day.

My husband is at soccer and I have just finished the most enthralling trilogy, so what's there to do? I scan through hulu, facebook, blogs, and still find myself restless. Bored. Then my mind starts to dwell on my day. The things I did. The things I didn't do. I'm hungry but the only thing to snack on is some home made zucchini bread that turned out much too dry. Just like the last two times. Why do I insist on trying to keep things healthy? Why don't I have a bag of potato chips in my cupboard? Why can't I make a damn loaf of bread that isn't dryer than saw dust?

I start to think about why I am so tired. I wake before dawn--which isn't hard to do with winter quickly approaching, how depressing--before I can even make my way to the bathroom I've been asked 13 times by my son if I can make breakfast, get him juice, let him watch a cartoon, help him feed his fish, etc, etc... the list goes on and on. By 8:00 a.m. I have made breakfast, cleaned up, showered, dressed both the boys, fed the dog, remembered it's my day to bring snacks for Aiden's class, gotten the snack together, packed Aiden's lunch, and started on my now luke warm cup of coffee. I do all this in a fog. I don't really wake up until 9 or 10 I swear. Sometimes I spend the down time before school reading books with the boys or playing cops and get-away-cars, but sometimes I let them go crazy on their own, or cave and turn on a cartoon so I can finish getting ready in peace. By 8:55 a.m. we are walking Aiden to school, by 9ish he is settled in class and Gabriel and I stroll back home.

I always imagine Gabriel and I spending good, solid, quality time together while Aiden is at school, but let's be honest, I probably spend 30 minutes really playing with him, and the rest of the time cleaning, running errands, feeding, changing diapers, occasionally meeting with a friend. Somedays this feels perfectly fine; I put away the dishes, he takes out all the tupperware, I sweep the floor, he "vacuums," I fold the laundry, he empties my underwear drawer, I put away the tupperware, he dumps my box of receipts. Other days I get the feeling he needs extra attention. Sometimes I take that as an opportunity to sit and read just for him, play knock-over-whatever-I-build without his big brother getting upset, or simply destroy my freshly made bed with a tickle fight. And sometimes I ignore that feeling and keep us busy. I hate it when I do that.

By the time Aiden gets home I am ready for bed, but apparently the day is only half over. Gabriel takes a nap and Aiden and I eat a snack and then he searches for bugs and brings them to me to inspect, or I attempt to answer the half a million question he has about everything (How do you make chicken nuggets out of pizza? Why does the sun set? Why do feet stink?). If he's being particularly observant, I use this time to read in between bug inspections. Sometimes I make him "nap," though he rarely actually does. Sometimes I let him watch a cartoon so I can soak up 30 minutes of quiet to write a blog post, finish a chapter, or just sit and stare blankly at the wall.

Sometimes we have an afternoon outing. Sometimes we spend it all in the back yard. Dinner feels like a grand production. With all the interruptions it often feels like it takes hours, even when I've prepped the meal. I find myself thinking, What you want can wait. Your whining can wait. Your tears can wait. Your everything can wait. I WILL finish cooking this meal! And sometimes I end up cooking with one child on my hip and another eating crackers by my feet.

If I am lucky, Aaron is home by dinner and we can share bed time duties. It always seems to feel like the last stretch of a race that part of the day. Bath, get dressed, brush teeth, book, song, BED. It takes so much energy, all I have left. Unless Aaron does dishes, I rarely do them till morning. And then I find myself glued to the couch, finally able to do anything I want. And all I want to do is sleep.

Sometimes what best makes me ok with my "failings" is just being honest and writing about them (hence the blog, I guess). I often find that what I felt so awful about earlier, isn't so bad. And when I thought I did "nothing," I really did lots of things. Sometimes it helps me see what I focused on that day and helps me to prioritize. Sometimes my failings are just that, failings, and I have to accept I'll always have them. If you find yourself overwhelmed by your daily failings, try writing it out, and see where it takes you.

Coming Back to Life

After a year (or years) of being stripped from lies that I have clung to as truth for so long, in moments of weakness (that come quite often) I have found myself slightly afraid. Afraid that maybe what I think I'm learning is actually more lies. Afraid that what I think is coming from God is actually just my own twisted head trying to come up with solutions to help make sense of this world I so rarely understand.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the pastor at our new church has been teaching from Ecclesiastes and Job since we started going there. Each week I feel such solid confirmation in all the truths God has been speaking to me this last year. This is truth. I hear Him say, and I lap it up and beg for more. Hearing these truths reconfirmed is like having fresh water poured over my parched soul, replenishing my healing heart, mending it together piece by piece. Each week I want him to keep teaching--an hour to speak this kind of truth?? It's like dropping bread crumbs to a starving child--I want more! The pastor clearly struggles himself, preaching until the very last second before he must race to another church, his passion for the truth as evident in his speech as what I feel in my own heart. It's times like these that I curse the society that lives by the clock so closely.

I still struggle to read the Bible on my own. I was so hard on myself and self-condemning that as a child and even up to adulthood I couldn't help but read the Bible in a way that it heaped coals onto my head. The stories and passages are all so familiar but instead of comforting they carry hurt and fear cast on me from the past. Slowly God is reinterpreting His word for me. Healing my wounds by speaking truth over the lies. He is patient. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I am excited--not for what I am doing for God, but for what He is doing in me.

(If you would like to listen to the sermons you can find them here: http://www.renovatuschurch.com/)