Quiet

Do you ever find yourself waking up each morning dreading the day before you? Good or bad, it all requires energy. Something that seems to come to me only in small increments. Maybe it's depression, maybe it's being a parent of young children, maybe it's being human. Diagnosing the cause doesn't make it any easier.

I used to be so judgmental of parents of young kids. I thought they complained too much. Some of the things they said about their kids and their life sounded so negative, I thought, Why did you even have kids! Besides I worked hard, and I was tired, but I was ok. YEAH, Faith! You were 20, too! Three measly part-time jobs and full time school (and 3 meals a day cooked and cleaned up for you!) don't have jack on raising kids! I could slap her skinny 20 year old face. Stupid, stupid, naive little girl.

The thing about being a parent--is a lot of things. Life outside your own doesn't stop just because your focus has changed. You may be consumed with the lives of your children, but now even more bills need to be paid, your relationship with your spouse requires even more diligence, and you'll find that if you do not keep up with friends they will leave you, and if you do not take care of yourself, you will hate you.

I used to view quiet times as moments of duty--to prove my devotion to God. Now I can see they are there for me. Although, my moments of quiet are usually the minutes between when the kids go to bed and I fall asleep on the couch. When I have rare moments of quiet in the day I busy them with chores long left undone or relief of stressful thoughts through social media. I find I seek God in moments of chaos. When things are so crazy I think I might crash. Or scream. Or run.

Forget being a parent, I think as an adult it's easy to forget that the end all is not in us. Because others rely on us, we think we should be able to provide it all. But we do not hold the answers and solutions we think we should. Moments of quiet may be longed for, but they also frighten me. As moments of quiet often welcome thoughts of fear, worry, and stress. But if I don't allow myself to admit they are there, how am I to release them to God?