I have always been told I am "bright." Apparently I look good in pink, yellow, green, or blue and those are colors I should wear. I have spent most of my life wondering why the person I am told I am and the person I feel I am don't match up. I constantly felt I had to convince myself I was what people were telling me I was and try to quiet the person I felt I was so I could be what I was told I was. It sounds ridiculous (probably because it is) but I didn't realize that that was what I was doing. It's really hard to embrace yourself when you are constantly at battle with who you think you should be. Especially when it even comes down to things as simple as the colors I should wear. You see, I like colors in the very few accessories I wear and occasionally on my nails, but for the most part, black and gray are my colors of choice. Not because I don't care about what I wear (I do), not because I'm too afraid to step out of my comfort zone (although I do like it), but because I like those things.
I am not bright and bubbly. I am a trained extrovert. I think I was originally somewhat of a melancholy introvert who adapted to survive the life style I was brought up in. I am not girly. I love femininity and most things that that implies, but for the most part I prefer neutral, semi-uni-sex things. Maybe it's growing up with five brothers, or having all boys in my home. Either way. Despite that, I am most certainly not a tom boy. I'm no good at team sports--even though I would have killed to be a part of them growing up, I am afraid of getting hit by the ball. I am anything but competitive. In cross-country meets I would partner up with a slow girl from an opposing team so she wouldn't have to run alone and end up making a new friend (my coach loved that). I used to love climbing trees, now I am afraid of heights. Meeting new people used to make me feel sick to my stomach, now I love it. I believe my life is never too full for another friend. But I also love to be alone. I need to be alone. I like going to new places on my own; feeling sick with anxiety until I convince myself I have nothing to fear. I like challenging my weaknesses every once in while to see if I've out grown them. To push boundaries I set for myself earlier in life, to see if I was wrong to set them up to begin with.
What is my point? I am who I am. Some of me born, some of me made, and most of the time not what other people tell me I am. Always changing, but always me. It's freeing to remove the uncomfortably fitted jackets, hats, and shoes others have put me in, or those I have put on myself, and realize I don't have to feel bad about not wearing them. To realize once again, it's ok to be me, whoever that may be.
About Me
- Faith
- It's interesting to look at your life, past to present, and think: "It has all led up to this...." And then wonder where it will lead to next.
3 comments:
I was thinking thoughts along a similar line, driving from my grandparents to my parents in the area I where I was young. It's an odd out of body experience, because even though I recognize everything and remember what it was like driving around here as a kid or teen or even the times between as a sub-adult it wasn't me. It's not that I'm especially happier or less angsty or more content. But I do know who I am better, and it's like settling into that favorite flannel shirt I've waited all the warm months to wear again. I'm glad you're rebelling and becoming you, too.
Breka, I don't know if we will ever live near each other again, but I do know you are a friend I will often tell my grandchildren about when reminiscing about the good old days. And if it turns out anything like the movies, most of them will be slightly annoyed with my repetitive stories, but one young girl will take interest, find our many letters we've written, and eventually write a biography about you. I can't wait.
love this!
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