So Much

Much has happened in the last few months. It's hard to know where to begin. But this is not a diary, so I won't be starting from the beginning, and I won't be filling in all the gaps. I will be vague, and may even leave you hanging. Because that is my life right now.

I am weak and tired. But I no longer stand in darkness, or rest anxiously on empty hopelessness. I have been brought out of darkness. I am on firm ground. God has proven Himself faithful, even when I was not able to believe it. God has been good, even when I could not see it. He has stood strong, while I have been so very broken. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am walking towards it. It doesn't mean there won't be more tunnels to come, but I am thankful for the light. The light gives me hope. Hope gives me strength. I need all the strength I can get.

There are many life changes for me and my family right now. Things have happened, are happening, and will happen soon. My life is UPSIDE DOWN. And it's good. I can't believe it. Years of prayers I thought were left to the wind are finally being answered. There are still unanswered questions, and I still question God. Do you know what you're doing? Will you really come through for me? Thankfully, He knows to expect it. He is faithful to answer. Even when I am slow to learn. I've realized it's ok to be slow. He has eternal love, patience, mercy, forgiveness, and strength. He can handle me.

You always want to be enough for your family. For your children. Your spouse. Even God. Today was one of many days where I was not enough. Simple fact. Not enough. Yet I can't beat myself up for that anymore. I can only trust God's promise that He is.

If this all sounds cliche, surfacey, and dumb to you, then I feel for you. I know exactly what it is like to be in a place where I can't see the truth and beauty of God. Where He seems fake, and my reality is only darkness and pain. It is terrifying and painful and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Yet so many find themselves there. That valley of death. I pray to never find myself there again. I pray for freedom.

Even if you can't always believe it, remember: God is good. So many tears wept into those words. So much life lived through those words. Those words have become life to me. God is good.