The Good Things

Right now I am sitting in my newly set up office thanks to my husband who stayed up late after I went to bed last night. I'm not gonna lie, I went to sleep in a foul mood because I didn't feel prepared for a test and was taking it out on Aaron. Instead of stomping off to bed (like I did), knowing I'd be up before dawn to study, he created a perfectly cozy study space for me to wake up to. That's love ya'll. I think I got twice as much work done thanks to him.

My life these days is both busy and full. I wake at 5 a.m. each morning, and still can't seem to get done all the things I set out to do. I have identified my time-wasters and now I am setting out to eliminate them. Trying to. Baby steps. With out those, I think I could easily get everything done in a somewhat leisurely matter as my schedule isn't too hectic this semester. I like to think that anyway.

I began taking an anti-depressant in December, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Why, oh why didn't my last psychiatrist suggest this?? I feel like ME for the first time in over a year! If you have been struggling with depression and are afraid to try an anti-depressant, just do it. At the very worst you can stop taking it, but if it works, it works! I am taking the generic form of Celexa and it's only $4 at the Wal-Mart pharmacy (in case you are uninsured like me). It's not with out its side effects... I am not loving the extra few pounds, and I have to remember to take it at night because it makes me tired and yawn incessantly, but besides that I haven't noticed any other negative side effects. I just feel good. Normal. Me. I forgot what that felt like. It's a good feeling. I share this only because I want to be honest about what works for me and what doesn't so as not to give anyone the impression that my depression just up and disappeared. It's been a long journey. I am glad that for now I can focus on other things. 

Like my kids! 

I have been enjoying my kids like never before. Which is a good thing too, because this is a tough stage! Four and a half and 20 month olds are a rough combination! They both want attention--and lots of attention. But the nice thing is that now I don't mind giving it to them. I love building legos with Aiden, or discussing my anatomy and physiology home work with him (which is a great motivator to really learn the stuff). I love being led around by Gabriel, having him point out things and listening to him try so hard to say new words. I have to listen to intonation more than anything (recently he has decided that "NO!" means no, and "Noooo?" means yes). I love watching them play together. Although that's prime time to study, I sometimes can't help but sit there and watch them interact. I feel like I missed the whole last year of their lives. I was there, but not really, you know? It's good to be back. Even when they are screaming and fighting and yelling and throwing fits like no other, I wouldn't trade it. 

I am struggling with a few things, but I haven't really been able to decipher what they are exactly. I allow myself to ponder them, but not dwell on them. I'll figure it out one of these days, but for now I'm happy enjoying actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning, spending time with my husband and kids, getting to know new friends, and of course, coffee.

Life, Beauty, and Thoughts

Life feels so GOOD right now. Not because everything is good, but because God's hand in our lives is so evident. Who would have thought I'd be saying this so soon? I didn't.

As God has been revealing each day things of the last few years that have now brought us to where we are (both in life and understanding) I can't help but cast my fears and doubts at His feet. The coolest thing is not feeling shame or guilt that I am both relearning and learning for the first time things that seem so simple. Not feeling dumb for there still being SO much I don't understand. I realized something. The periods of confusion, fear, pain, hardship, they have all played their part in bringing me to where I am today. I know that's easy to say, but the truth is, you can't always mean it--but right now, I do. Right now is a season of letting go of regret, giving up the wheel, and taking in the journey itself. It's not all easy, but it is beautiful.

You see, I've spent the majority of my life claiming to live for God. Working so hard to make myself worthy. There were (and still are) so many things I had wrong. And that's ok. I am only just now seeing how God has been and continues to answer my prayer of eight years ago. Eight years! And guess what? It's freaking awesome. That's a long time to wait, but I'm realizing that God really is a big God. He will teach us for a life time and we'll still only just grasp the surface of who He is. This life isn't about conquering God and then moving on to something else, we were put here to know Him.

Last week I stopped myself in the middle of a worrying thought, and it hit me...If I am really living for God, would I spend so much time and energy fretting about my plans not working out? Something to think about.

New Year

As I sat here in quiet, eating left over chili, resting in the contentedness of a long week filled with loved ones, good food, coffee, and conversations, I found myself finally giving myself a moment to reflect. Last year this time I was writing and rewriting goals. Grasping for a plan or some bit of control. This year feels different. I barely noticed the new year come. Many things are much the same, and yet so much is different. I am different.

I know I'm getting older when things people said to me years ago (that I thought were just things people say) now make perfect sense. I feel stronger and weaker than ever before. Both broken and whole all in one. I feel aged, and yet I feel new. When oxymorons like these fit together like notes in a familiar song, you know life has had its toll on you. Each day that I find myself fearful, I force myself to recount God's provision. From yesterday to last year, and the year before, and the year before. Remembering the hopeless moments, the fearful days, and even weeks or months, and how He has always come through. Not making things perfect. Not answering every prayer as I liked or in the time frames I thought fit. And yet He has been faithful. Sometimes in a whisper. Sometimes in a storm.

My new years resolution? To keep my eyes on Christ, praying daily for Him to allow me to lay my life at His feet each moment (I cannot do it on my own!). No matter the goals, challenges, blessings, or hardships, I want it all to be for Him. Last year I learned many things, but mostly that the world is not consistant. God is. The world is not always good. God is. The world is not fulfilling. God is. He is so beyond politics, religion, careers, and social lives. I am tired of trying to squeeze God into my little life. I want to try a new approach. I can see now how He has been teaching me this all along. I am excited to keep learning. Step by step.

Happy 2013!

Next Step

There are times when I think that some things will never come to pass. That I will be destined to chase dreams that never become realities. To forever reach and fall short. The truth is, dreams don't often feel like dreams once they come to be. I have this idea that one day we'll live some exotic life on the mission field--but I've been there. There were great adventures and I have some awesome memories and I would never trade it, but at the time, it was just life. I used to dream of having four children, adopting several more, and being this graceful, loving mother. I'm only up to two kids, and although I love them more than anything, I'm rarely graceful.

Life in the moment can feel like such chaos, it's tempting to think it isn't leading anywhere. But then things happen that force you to look back, and suddenly it all fits together. Life takes time. It's messy. It's hard. Sometimes it all blurs together. So when you get the opportunity to really see a step being taken--something you've dreamed about--take it in!

Yesterday I got a phone call... I was accepted into the pre-nursing program for Spring 2013! I am not only freakishly happy, but pretty incredibly shocked as well. Because I didn't even know I would be living here, I ended up applying 5 months after the deadline. It was a long shot, but I figured I'd go for it anyway. Apparently a spot opened up at the last minute and--wa lah! Here I was thinking I would have to wait until March to hear if I got into the fall Nursing program, and now as long as I keep my gpa up during pre-nursing classes I should have a spot come fall! I think this would feel good no matter what, but because of how long I have been working and patiently (haha) waiting for this for what feels like forever, it feels pretty incredible to know it's finally happening. So here it is. The next step God has laid out for me. He is faithful.

Next year this time I may be whining about finals, but for now, I'm going to revel in this. It's gonna be a good day. :)

Still Moving: Albeit Slowly

The last time I had consistant insomnia was two years ago this time. Pregnant and overwhelmed with our challenges along with the grief of the world. This year I am less overwhelmed with the grief of the world only because my own challenges have consumed me that much more. I don't have much left over for the world. I am hoping when all of this is over (if it's ever over) I will come to some sort of balance.

Sometimes I think the reason I have always been so consumed with the world was as a result of pleasant ignorance of the severity of my own issues and life challenges. It's a painful shift to move from being one who thinks she can save, to being one who so desperately needs saving. I don't wish to go back in the least, I simply wish I could move forward a little faster. This is a lonely and frightening place to be.

It's not that I don't trust God to provide and it's not that I'm unaccustomed to discomfort. I have been in so many desperate situations! There have been many times when we didn't know where our next meal would come from, lived in what most Americans would consider "unsuitable living conditions," and dealt with countless uncertainties, yet God has always provided. For every person who has used or cheated us, others have inexcusably blessed us. Honestly, I have felt more blessed than I deserve for the most part. I have lived around too many people with less to see what we've been through as any real "suffering." It's just that I am so tired. I feel like even if it were easy it would be hard. And it's not easy.

It's painful and isolating when people can't understand your struggles. When they can't cheer you up with quotes and light hearted jokes, you somehow feel like you've disappointed them. They compare your struggles with things that you can't help but see as trivial. They give the impression they think you've given up too easily. But what they don't know is how long you've been fighting. And that whether or not it looks like it, you still are. Even the young grow weary and faint.

Even in moments when I know these trials will not last forever, when I know God is sovereign, there are times when I choose to be angry--regardless of promises kept, or not yet answered. Angry that I am not who I thought I was. Angry what God allows. And some days it's easier to lay paralyzed in my fear and anger than to hope that truth will set me free. To hope that one day joy will reign again, dispersing any desires to push away those I love. That one day I will wake up, not wishing I didn't have to.

I Am Not My Own

Sometimes all I need is a whisper. An acknowledgment that my cries have been heard. A confirmation that God is still in control, even when I am reeling out of control--especially then. The other day I finally sat down and prayed. Or more like begged. Just to feel God near, to know He had not abandoned me to the clutches of darkness. Like a healthy person, I fell asleep that night watching some awful but captivating show that allowed me to keep my mind off my own issues. When I awoke later that night, there was peace. I can't explain it, but there is no mistaking it. I haven't felt that feeling in over a month. Peace. The peace has remained with me in and out of the chaos of each day, and it is the only reason I am able to function.

I don't understand God. I know the world is broken and full of sin and that life here will never be easy, but I also know God's power. I've seen it. When I find myself unable to trust, it's not because I think God is unable, it's because I am afraid He is unwilling. It's hard to trust someone who allows you so much pain, when you know He is capable of taking it all away. Yet, He calls us to trust regardless. And that's the thing about God, you can't pick and choose what you want from Him, He is all or nothing. When you commit your life to Him, you have to trust Him, even when you don't want to or feel unable to. It's a frightening thing to place your life, your love, and your dreams in someone else's hands. Even the hands of your creator.

I constantly feel like I am starting each day at ground zero. I am drained by my failings and feel like I am always having to relearn things. However when I look back on my life, reflect on memories, and read old journals, I see a richness there that is consistant with one thing. God. You see, the thing I forget more often than not is that my life is not my own. That one little perspective changes things tremendously. Suddenly instead of magnifying my failures and weaknesses, I am in awe with the fact that despite those things, God has made me one of His own. He has claimed my life for so much more than my own glory. I understand that none of that sounds very great from a worldly perspective. But if you have seen even an ounce of God's power, even a hint of His love--it's the most incredible thing you could hope for.

Another Day

Forrest Gump's mom had it right. Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. One might be filled with rich soft chocolate, the next filled with salty carmel or some weird tasting experiment someone decided to make. But you don't complain, right? Because it's a gift, and you reach for another hoping it will be delicious enough to make the nasty ones worth it. It's not a perfect analogy, but I think we've come to the conclusion that imperfection is a significant part of life.

Today, to my surprise, I woke early. After straightening up I had a blissful 5 minutes on the couch, in a clean room, with a cup of coffee in complete silence. I haven't had 5 minutes in a quiet or clean room in much too long. And yes, it was worth getting up before 6:00 a.m. to get. As it turns out, five minutes was all I needed to realize a few things. I realized that I have been doing a lot of regretting lately. A lot of wishing I had done certain things in the past to make my present a little easier. I've been feeling pretty useless, irrelevant, and unworthy. It's hard to face the day when you feel like you don't deserve it.

Regret is such a cliche. Everyone knows you shouldn't bother with it, but when it comes down to it, we all have to face a little regret. The real challenge is, do you succumb to it's debilitating nature? Or decide to let it go and move forward? And it's a constant challenge. Just because we make the right decision now doesn't mean we'll make the right decision tomorrow. Regardless, for this moment I can hold on to the fact that I can choose to make the right decision today. And tomorrow? As Scarlett O'Hara always says, tomorrow is another day.



Jesus said, "You're tied down to the mundane; I'm in touch with what is beyond your horizons. You live in terms of what you see and touch. I'm living on other terms. I told you that you were missing God in all this. You're at a dead-end. If you won't believe I am who I say I am, you're at the dead-end of sins. You're missing God in your lives." John 8:23-24 The Message