New Blog

My brother made a good point. I need to blog. Maybe it's narcissism, maybe it's the need to communicate and connect, maybe it's a little of each. But, I also need a change. I've started a new chapter in life and feel the need to start fresh again--and there is no way I'm keeping up with more than one blog! So, if you would like to follow, my new blog is: doinglifewrong.blogspot.com 

Priorities and Blogging

Life with two kids plus school can get quite busy. Hence the reason I have not been writing much. Also, I quit facebook (it was way more of a distraction than I'd like to admit!) and not being connected to people via the internet has made me much less inclined to share here.

I have been loving school. This college is definitely more challenging than any I have attended in the past, but it's a productive challenge. I feel pushed to really learn, understand, and implement--not just memorize. My professors are kind, supportive, and seem to really want their students to succeed. They are hard working and committed, setting the tone for their students. There are so many schools I could have ended up at, I am so thankful God brought me to this particular program. (They should totally pay me to advertise, right?)

My main challenges so far have been time management. It's hard to fit in all the studying I have to do into the few time slots I have without my kids. Plus I need (and really want) quality time with my husband. Plus I am finally developing some great friendships here and those take time as well. It's hard to prioritize. It's hard having to say to my kids, "This is your time to play on your own, mommy has to study." When I really want to play with them. It's hard to lock myself in my office when all I want to do is curl up on the couch with my husband. It's hard to say no when I am invited to girls night because I have to study. My relationships are all so important to me--to say no feels so wrong! My biggest challenge is not just sticking to my priorities, but figuring out what my priorities are. One day I'll figure out a solid routine that works... right?

This brings me to blogging... I really wanted to continue blogging through school. I actually wanted to start a whole new blog devoted purely to being in school as a woman with a family. But lately I've been doubting my ability to even write something worth reading. Apparently I need affirmation. It's true. I'm one of those people. You don't comment on my post, or I don't get any new readers and I start to feel like blogging is pointless. I've shared a lot of really personal stuff here and gotten a little more deep than funny, and have lost a lot of feedback it seems. Knowing people read, care, relate (and maybe laugh)--that is the only thing that makes blogging worthwhile.

So I'm going to be that person and ask you, my readers, for your opinion. Start that new blog? Or just continue to slowly taper this one out and be done for awhile?

The Good Things

Right now I am sitting in my newly set up office thanks to my husband who stayed up late after I went to bed last night. I'm not gonna lie, I went to sleep in a foul mood because I didn't feel prepared for a test and was taking it out on Aaron. Instead of stomping off to bed (like I did), knowing I'd be up before dawn to study, he created a perfectly cozy study space for me to wake up to. That's love ya'll. I think I got twice as much work done thanks to him.

My life these days is both busy and full. I wake at 5 a.m. each morning, and still can't seem to get done all the things I set out to do. I have identified my time-wasters and now I am setting out to eliminate them. Trying to. Baby steps. With out those, I think I could easily get everything done in a somewhat leisurely matter as my schedule isn't too hectic this semester. I like to think that anyway.

I began taking an anti-depressant in December, and it was the best decision I have ever made. Why, oh why didn't my last psychiatrist suggest this?? I feel like ME for the first time in over a year! If you have been struggling with depression and are afraid to try an anti-depressant, just do it. At the very worst you can stop taking it, but if it works, it works! I am taking the generic form of Celexa and it's only $4 at the Wal-Mart pharmacy (in case you are uninsured like me). It's not with out its side effects... I am not loving the extra few pounds, and I have to remember to take it at night because it makes me tired and yawn incessantly, but besides that I haven't noticed any other negative side effects. I just feel good. Normal. Me. I forgot what that felt like. It's a good feeling. I share this only because I want to be honest about what works for me and what doesn't so as not to give anyone the impression that my depression just up and disappeared. It's been a long journey. I am glad that for now I can focus on other things. 

Like my kids! 

I have been enjoying my kids like never before. Which is a good thing too, because this is a tough stage! Four and a half and 20 month olds are a rough combination! They both want attention--and lots of attention. But the nice thing is that now I don't mind giving it to them. I love building legos with Aiden, or discussing my anatomy and physiology home work with him (which is a great motivator to really learn the stuff). I love being led around by Gabriel, having him point out things and listening to him try so hard to say new words. I have to listen to intonation more than anything (recently he has decided that "NO!" means no, and "Noooo?" means yes). I love watching them play together. Although that's prime time to study, I sometimes can't help but sit there and watch them interact. I feel like I missed the whole last year of their lives. I was there, but not really, you know? It's good to be back. Even when they are screaming and fighting and yelling and throwing fits like no other, I wouldn't trade it. 

I am struggling with a few things, but I haven't really been able to decipher what they are exactly. I allow myself to ponder them, but not dwell on them. I'll figure it out one of these days, but for now I'm happy enjoying actually wanting to get out of bed in the morning, spending time with my husband and kids, getting to know new friends, and of course, coffee.

Life, Beauty, and Thoughts

Life feels so GOOD right now. Not because everything is good, but because God's hand in our lives is so evident. Who would have thought I'd be saying this so soon? I didn't.

As God has been revealing each day things of the last few years that have now brought us to where we are (both in life and understanding) I can't help but cast my fears and doubts at His feet. The coolest thing is not feeling shame or guilt that I am both relearning and learning for the first time things that seem so simple. Not feeling dumb for there still being SO much I don't understand. I realized something. The periods of confusion, fear, pain, hardship, they have all played their part in bringing me to where I am today. I know that's easy to say, but the truth is, you can't always mean it--but right now, I do. Right now is a season of letting go of regret, giving up the wheel, and taking in the journey itself. It's not all easy, but it is beautiful.

You see, I've spent the majority of my life claiming to live for God. Working so hard to make myself worthy. There were (and still are) so many things I had wrong. And that's ok. I am only just now seeing how God has been and continues to answer my prayer of eight years ago. Eight years! And guess what? It's freaking awesome. That's a long time to wait, but I'm realizing that God really is a big God. He will teach us for a life time and we'll still only just grasp the surface of who He is. This life isn't about conquering God and then moving on to something else, we were put here to know Him.

Last week I stopped myself in the middle of a worrying thought, and it hit me...If I am really living for God, would I spend so much time and energy fretting about my plans not working out? Something to think about.

New Year

As I sat here in quiet, eating left over chili, resting in the contentedness of a long week filled with loved ones, good food, coffee, and conversations, I found myself finally giving myself a moment to reflect. Last year this time I was writing and rewriting goals. Grasping for a plan or some bit of control. This year feels different. I barely noticed the new year come. Many things are much the same, and yet so much is different. I am different.

I know I'm getting older when things people said to me years ago (that I thought were just things people say) now make perfect sense. I feel stronger and weaker than ever before. Both broken and whole all in one. I feel aged, and yet I feel new. When oxymorons like these fit together like notes in a familiar song, you know life has had its toll on you. Each day that I find myself fearful, I force myself to recount God's provision. From yesterday to last year, and the year before, and the year before. Remembering the hopeless moments, the fearful days, and even weeks or months, and how He has always come through. Not making things perfect. Not answering every prayer as I liked or in the time frames I thought fit. And yet He has been faithful. Sometimes in a whisper. Sometimes in a storm.

My new years resolution? To keep my eyes on Christ, praying daily for Him to allow me to lay my life at His feet each moment (I cannot do it on my own!). No matter the goals, challenges, blessings, or hardships, I want it all to be for Him. Last year I learned many things, but mostly that the world is not consistant. God is. The world is not always good. God is. The world is not fulfilling. God is. He is so beyond politics, religion, careers, and social lives. I am tired of trying to squeeze God into my little life. I want to try a new approach. I can see now how He has been teaching me this all along. I am excited to keep learning. Step by step.

Happy 2013!

Next Step

There are times when I think that some things will never come to pass. That I will be destined to chase dreams that never become realities. To forever reach and fall short. The truth is, dreams don't often feel like dreams once they come to be. I have this idea that one day we'll live some exotic life on the mission field--but I've been there. There were great adventures and I have some awesome memories and I would never trade it, but at the time, it was just life. I used to dream of having four children, adopting several more, and being this graceful, loving mother. I'm only up to two kids, and although I love them more than anything, I'm rarely graceful.

Life in the moment can feel like such chaos, it's tempting to think it isn't leading anywhere. But then things happen that force you to look back, and suddenly it all fits together. Life takes time. It's messy. It's hard. Sometimes it all blurs together. So when you get the opportunity to really see a step being taken--something you've dreamed about--take it in!

Yesterday I got a phone call... I was accepted into the pre-nursing program for Spring 2013! I am not only freakishly happy, but pretty incredibly shocked as well. Because I didn't even know I would be living here, I ended up applying 5 months after the deadline. It was a long shot, but I figured I'd go for it anyway. Apparently a spot opened up at the last minute and--wa lah! Here I was thinking I would have to wait until March to hear if I got into the fall Nursing program, and now as long as I keep my gpa up during pre-nursing classes I should have a spot come fall! I think this would feel good no matter what, but because of how long I have been working and patiently (haha) waiting for this for what feels like forever, it feels pretty incredible to know it's finally happening. So here it is. The next step God has laid out for me. He is faithful.

Next year this time I may be whining about finals, but for now, I'm going to revel in this. It's gonna be a good day. :)

Still Moving: Albeit Slowly

The last time I had consistant insomnia was two years ago this time. Pregnant and overwhelmed with our challenges along with the grief of the world. This year I am less overwhelmed with the grief of the world only because my own challenges have consumed me that much more. I don't have much left over for the world. I am hoping when all of this is over (if it's ever over) I will come to some sort of balance.

Sometimes I think the reason I have always been so consumed with the world was as a result of pleasant ignorance of the severity of my own issues and life challenges. It's a painful shift to move from being one who thinks she can save, to being one who so desperately needs saving. I don't wish to go back in the least, I simply wish I could move forward a little faster. This is a lonely and frightening place to be.

It's not that I don't trust God to provide and it's not that I'm unaccustomed to discomfort. I have been in so many desperate situations! There have been many times when we didn't know where our next meal would come from, lived in what most Americans would consider "unsuitable living conditions," and dealt with countless uncertainties, yet God has always provided. For every person who has used or cheated us, others have inexcusably blessed us. Honestly, I have felt more blessed than I deserve for the most part. I have lived around too many people with less to see what we've been through as any real "suffering." It's just that I am so tired. I feel like even if it were easy it would be hard. And it's not easy.

It's painful and isolating when people can't understand your struggles. When they can't cheer you up with quotes and light hearted jokes, you somehow feel like you've disappointed them. They compare your struggles with things that you can't help but see as trivial. They give the impression they think you've given up too easily. But what they don't know is how long you've been fighting. And that whether or not it looks like it, you still are. Even the young grow weary and faint.

Even in moments when I know these trials will not last forever, when I know God is sovereign, there are times when I choose to be angry--regardless of promises kept, or not yet answered. Angry that I am not who I thought I was. Angry what God allows. And some days it's easier to lay paralyzed in my fear and anger than to hope that truth will set me free. To hope that one day joy will reign again, dispersing any desires to push away those I love. That one day I will wake up, not wishing I didn't have to.